Episode 112: Shelly Martinez GIVES A LAXATIVE To Dumb And Dumber Episode 112 GTSC Podcast

GSC 112 | Dumb And Dumber

An absolute FIRST occurs during our podcast when Shelly Martinez decides to attack one of the comedies nearly on everyone’s favorite list, Dumb and Dumber.  What’s that first?  Something that knocks @KevinGootee and @KevinIsrael_NJ socks right off and never in a million years would’ve thought happened. Can Shelly sway the pair that Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are a worse duo than Schwarzenegger and Thurman in Batman and Robin?

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Shelly Martinez GIVES A LAXATIVE To Dumb And Dumber

Something that has never happened before has happened in this episode for the first time, and I hope the last. It is sure as funny as hell. Shelly Martinez joins us and she picks one hell of a cow to try and gut 1994 Jim Carrey’s Dumb and Dumber. That pretty much made him the mega superstar that he is. You can argue Ace Ventura. You can argue Dumb and Dumber. I don’t care. Before we get into it, GuttingTheSacredCow.com for everyday articles, blogs, merch, hats, bags and mugs. You know the drill. Also, GuttingTheSacredCow@Gmail.com to advertise with us, say hi, pop in and say hello, whatever you want to do. Here we go. Here is that crazy moment I promised you with Shelly Martinez doing Dumb and Dumber.

Our guest is Shelly Martinez. How are you?

I’m doing fine and dandy like sour candy. How about you?

Something tells me that is part of your standard greeting when people talk to you.

I genuinely mean that because that’s what Ned Flanders says. It’s a day when you could feel like Ned Flanders and that’s what I strive to do.

“Hi-Diddly-Ho!” Can you tell us where that quote came from, Shelly?

No.

The film is a 1992 classic called Reservoir Dogs.

Of the Tarantino movies, that’s the one I’ve seen the least. I’ve only seen it twice all the way through. I’ve seen Pulp Fiction 40 times.

I’m probably clocking about close to 100. How is it going? We hope you’re enjoying fantastic films like The Wizard of Oz, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, and The Dark Knight we had on. Someone did The Dark Knight. Shelly Martinez has shown equal balls/ovaries, whichever way you’re leading.

She has chosen an absolute beloved classic comedy. This one, although not as angering other most people as I thought it would, still pissed a lot of folks off. She has chosen an absolute juggernaut, Dumb and Dumber from 1994, with a budget of $17 million, and bringing in a box office haul of $247.3 million. Let’s turn that into 2021 dollars. That’s a $30.3 million budget, $441.2 million.

Those are monster numbers for any movie before a comedy. That’s bananas.

IMDB, as we know is a scale from 1 through 10 with decimal points. Shelly, what do you think Dumb and Dumber scored on that old IMDB?

The numbers are high because it is a movie that everyone loves. I would say it has scored maybe an 8.

How about you, Kevin Israel?

7.4.

That’s close. It’s 7.3. Someone has got those showcases. Kevin Israel, you know the drill. Rotten Tomatoes, 1 through 100?

77.

How about you, Shelly?

80.

It’s 68. Shelly, audience score for Dumb and Dumber. What do you think it scored on Rotten Tomatoes?

76.

Kevin Israel?

I’m going to go high on this one. I’m going to go with 89.

It’s 84. I’m surprised you don’t like this film, Shelly. You have a lot of weed paraphernalia in your office/area. I would think stoners would love this film.

That’s the thing. People tend to clump in a lot of different things like all stoners love that stuff. That’s not the case.

That’s fair. We had a gal, Sarah J, who’s a stoner who hates Pineapple Express. Her taste in films is perfect. You can’t clump all stoners together. They are a complex group of people.

As a stoner, sometimes I feel you’ll watch a film and then you’ll love it. You then get older, experience life, and maybe look at things a little differently. You might end up hating the film or loving the film.

Shelly, welcome to this show. What else can I say?

It’s almost like stoners are like the rest of us.

Kevin Israel, I know what’s going to happen here. I would allow you to go first with quotes.

I didn’t write down a lot of quotes because I was like, “Kevin is going to string through them all.”

That’s why I let you go first.

I picked out a couple that jumped out at me that wasn’t the common fair. “They’ve got The Monkees. They were a big influence on the Beatles,” and “That John Denver was full of shit.” The last one is the one my friends and I used to say, “You’re telling me there’s a chance.”

That one is off the beaten path to a bloody pulp. I’ve got a few. “I got worms.” Say that to a girl at a bar and see what she would say. If she laughed, she was in on it. If she wasn’t, she is a stone-cold bitch. “A place called Aspen. I don’t know, Lloyd. The French are assholes,” “We’re not even out of Connecticut yet, and you’re already starting to annoy me,” and the obvious, “Kick his ass, Sea Bass,” “Samsonite, I was way off.”

This is my favorite off the beaten path, “I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.” “Don’t you go dying on me.” My brother, Brian, who tunes in to the show, hi. “What’s the Soup Du Jour? That’s the soup of the day. Hmm. That sounds good. I’ll have that.” How about you, Shelly? What do you have? Are there any quotes you want to throw at us that jumped out?

I have a quote that not many will know. If you know, you get cool guy points. Do you guys feel where this one is from? “The only way to win, Theodore, is to cheat. Remember that.”

Usually, we do quotes from the film that we watched for this episode, but I’ll play a reindeer game. I want to say Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure because you used Theodore. I’ve never heard anyone say Theodore in a long time. That was his dad.

I was going to say Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I love that I had just botched this whole game. You’re both wrong. It’s One Crazy Summer, which is my favorite movie in the entire universe.

I haven’t seen that.

If I remember that, I think I hated it. I don’t remember if I did or did not.

A lot of people do hate that film. The quotes from this film, I don’t remember. That’s probably why I botched this segment for myself.

We’re just asking if something stuck at you. You didn’t have to write that down. I like customizing it though. That was nice. You were present at the moment. That’s all we can ask for. Kevin Israel, 110-plus episodes and our guest decided to throw a quote back to us that’s not at the same film. Live and learn. Five fun facts. No studio wanted to call this Dumb and Dumber. It kept getting rejected because of the title. Working titles included Go West and A Power Tool Is Not a Toy.

A Power Tool Is Not a Toy sounds like one of the Troy McClure videos from The Simpsons, “Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You remember me from such instructional videos. A power tool is not a toy.” I knew I would get Shelly on that one.

Go West sounds like it would have been like a Western. People would have gone into that expecting some epic travel movie.

Unfortunately, John Candy’s last film is Wagons East. It’s the cooler opposite, which I never saw. I heard it’s terrible. Number two, this one is going to get all the hair standing right up on your tanks. The president of New Line Cinema rejected this film. He said he would green light this project if they would take two leads from the list of 25 comedic actors. All 25 turned down this role.

I tell you what. I will let you each take a stab and I’ll give you some hints. There were five names on here. Two of them are huge in the ’80s and ’90s. One is more than the ’90s, one is of the ’80s, and one is ubiquitous through time. These are big guys. There are two comedic actors in this bunch. The other three, I doubt you would even associate with comedic.

Seeing the politics take over is what ruins entertainment. It sucks because then you get these manufactured talents. There's no charisma and they’re not connecting with the audience. Click To Tweet

Mike Myers.

That is not Mike Myers. Shelly, are there any guesses?

I can’t picture who would be on that list.

Adam Sandler?

No SNL people. I’m going to tell you. The first one is going to send shivers right up your butt. Nicolas Cage.

What?

He’s a comedic actor?

I just re-watched Kiss of Death. That is unintentionally hilariously awful. Nicolas Cage, Martin Short, and this one I thought you may be able to get, Steve Martin.

I thought about saying Steve Martin but I couldn’t picture it.

The next one is Rob Lowe, and of all people, Gary Oldman, the Dracula.

I’m shocked that Gary Oldman turned this down. Winston Churchill, Dracula, and Lee Harvey Oswald all said no to this. The reason Rob Lowe said no is that he demanded his trailer be filled with 15-year-old girls. The studio drew the line there and said, “No, thank you.” They got to be 17, Rob, come on. I got Shelly with that one. Thank you.

People always sweep that under the rug. That’s why it happened.

It sure did. Jim Carrey was offered $350,000 to appear in this film originally but then negotiated to $7 million, which is a pubic hair below the total budget of the film because of the success of Ace Ventura. How bonkers is that? If you thought that was crazy, the studio did not want Jeff Daniels. They wanted Harland Williams, the guy who played the Pennsylvania State Trooper who takes the drink of beer. The Farrellys push for Jeff Daniels and the studio said, “Fine. We’re going to lowball him.” Take a guess how much Jeff Daniels said yes to doing this film?

That’s going to be low, $1.25 million.

Shelly?

Maybe he did it for $100,000.

He did it for $50,000.

That’s insanity.

Isn’t it? A first-year law student made more in the ’90s than Jeff Daniels did for this. Unless he got points in the back end, which I did not confirm. His quote went up probably 50 times. Here’s one for you, Kevin. The hotel they stay in Aspen is the same hotel that inspired Stephen King to write The Shining. Jim Carrey asked to stay in room 217, but checked out after three hours because of its “ghostly powers.”

If I was staying in that hotel, I would want to stay in that room too. At least I hate that movie.

We’re just going to piss all over the walls, upper deck the toilets, and then I would ask for a big wheel to ride around. It’s time for Ask A Gutter. Rex Crumb asks, “Do you think immigration should have used Jim Carrey’s performance in Dumb and Dumber as evidence to deport him back to Canada?”

Sure.

Not enthusiastic but that question is she wrecks. Tie Ten and Bound says, “It was funny when I was a child. I am no longer a child. Jim Carrey is a herpes-ridden Scientologist.”

I’ve seen that on Twitter. That was insensitive to the herpes community to throw Jim Carrey in the mix.

It sounds like Shelly has herpes from that statement.

Those people have enough to deal with, and then you want to throw Jim Carrey in there.

I remand my statement. I think Shelly got herpes from Jim Carrey. There’s a lot to unpack there. I think I just did it. Bango 2331 said, “Is Shelley’s issue the style of comedy in general, or did the explosive diarrhea at someone else’s house scene hit a little too close to home?”

I have been known to have a spell or two of diarrhea. I could relate. I’ve been there. I’ll get into it later with my whole issue but no, it wasn’t the style of that at all. I love fart jokes all day long.

Clint Eastwood pulled Jeff Daniels aside and said, “That happened to me.” @LordSnurtz said, “You’re offered a free Mutts Cutts van, but you have to pick a different animal. What do you choose?”

It would be fun to have a squirrel.

Kevin, what did you have?

How about a Siberian Husky? Those things have piercing blue eyes and they’re fluffy. They would crap all over the road and annoy people behind me. Kevin Israel how about you? What animal would you choose?

I got to go with a Bernedoodle because I have two Bernedoodles.

Shrek Ogre asks, “Is this the peak of Jim Carrey’s or is it the middle? Which Jim Carrey film is the best for you?” Shelly?

I want to say maybe that was his peak because of how huge that movie was, especially when it first came out. It’s still big. It has a cult following. It has a mainstream following. Even back then it was huge. I would agree that maybe that was his peak because, after that, I don’t feel he got ever that huge push unless they were painting him in the media as being weird or whatever. My favorite Jim Carrey movie is not a funny one.

Earth Girls are Easy, I knew you were going to say that.

Here’s a funny one. Do you know what’s a good one? Once Bitten.

Brandon Osby Newark Knight says, “I’m a huge Jim Carrey fan. Which would you say is better, Me, Myself & Irene, Liar Liar, The Mask, or Ace Ventura?”

Honestly, I haven’t seen any of those movies all the way through.

Me, Myself & Irene is underrated hilarious. I put Liar Liar at the worst of those bunch, Kevin Israel.

I like Liar Liar.

I do too. If I have to pick one that’s worse to best, I would go that way. @AlmightyRay says, “First, a whiff on Planes, Trains and Automobiles and now this? Somebody is going to hit a brick wall after going after Airplane next.”

That’s like throwing a gauntlet at somebody.

I responded, “Or Naked Gun.”

Taco Sure Carillon says, “She’s clearly confused. Someone informed her that the town is back that way.”

I have a lot to say and I will share it when it is my time.

Shelly, I sure couldn’t cut up a better segue than that. Kevin Israel, let’s have Shelly Martinez gut the sacred cow.

GSC 112 | Dumb And Dumber
Dumb And Dumber: Sometimes the film, I feel as a stoner, you’ll watch it and then you’ll love it. You get older, experience life, and maybe look at things a little differently. You might end up hating a film or loving a film.

 

Dumb and Dumber is a film that everyone loves. It’s a film that everyone likes to see all the quotes from, even though I can’t remember any of the quotes. Growing up, when I would see it on TV all the time, I would always see Jim Carrey’s face, and I would feel like I wanted to go into the TV and choke him and physically put harm onto him because he got on my nerve so much.

It was so weird to me because I also grew up watching the show In Living Color. I thought he was hilarious on there like Fire Marshal Bill and when he used the chick with the steroids. He’s awesome. He does so many great characters. I genuinely liked Once Bitten and I remember being a little girl seeing it. It confused me that I wanted to choke him. People would always say, “You’ll love Dumb and Dumber.” I didn’t become a medicator until I was 25. It was a little later than a lot of people.

What is a medicator? Please explain.

I smoke pot. I am a pothead but I use the term medicator.

A lot of people use that term, but they went to school for ten years and they’re called doctors.

People would just be like, “I can’t believe you don’t like Dumb and Dumber.” When people would say that to me, it would be people who knew that I love stupid silly comedy. I would try to watch it. I couldn’t stomach it. It got down on my nerves to no end. Most of the movies that came up, you already had done. I was like, “Let’s do Dumb and Dumber.” I wanted to be more familiar with it before we came and recorded the show. I watched Dumb and Dumber. I dragged my feet on it. I’m like, “It’s going to get on my nerves the entire time. I’m going to be annoyed, but whatever. I got to know what I’m talking about.” I finally put it on and I liked Dumb and Dumber.

Here’s the thing. I’m doing cardio. I was like, “I’ll watch Dumb and Dumber during cardio.” I even went like this, “Here we go.” I put it in and I’m going. The first time I laughed really loud, I was like, “No.” I will say this. Jim Carrey digs it on my nerves. I was trying to put it together. I’m wondering if back in the day, it was on TV a lot like on and off, if I was catching it at those same moments. I thought Jim Carrey was going to be consistently at that ten that got on my nerves. I saw throughout the movie that it wasn’t the case.

I thought the story was cute. I love Penny. She’s so cute. Jim Carrey was still a little bit too much for me the see like with the dog in his face. That was gross. I couldn’t watch that. I can’t believe it. It made me think to myself, “How do I not like this?” There are films like this that vibe back in the day and I always loved them. Because of this show, I became a person that would watch Dumb and Dumber again.

She started a Dumb and Dumber fan club. She’s doing Dumb and Dumber cosplay. You like this picture then. You’re cool with this picture.

I’m not that far. That’s the thing. I thought it was going to get on my nerve to no end and it was stupid. I didn’t understand what the big deal was and why everyone thought it was so freaking funny, and I found out.

Shelly, take us to when you first saw it and why you hated it.

I always knew when I would go to watch it. There’s Jim Carrey and I felt exhausted. I couldn’t get into the story. It’s so crazy because I had no idea there were multiple stories in the whole thing like the kidney story and Penny’s dad. The whole thing, I was like, “This is the cocktail that I enjoy.” What year did it come out again?

1994.

I was fourteen years old and it took me all these years to now I’m 41 years old. That’s how long I was a hater. I talk so much crap about this movie. You have no idea. That’s why if anyone I’ve talked crap about sees this, they’re going to be like, “Are you kidding me, Shelly? You hate Jim Carrey.”

The good news is you’ve spared yourself a lot of crap online from our audience who love Dumb and Dumber.

Did you got scared away by the hate you saw on Twitter and decided, “I’m going to go with it, that I loved it and avoid this?”

No. I’m telling you, that’s why I’m laughing so much. I’m like, “God.” I even watched a couple of things before it when I was doing cardio because I’m like, “I don’t want to watch this. It’s going to get on my nerves but I have to watch it.”

I have a question. What kind of cardio are you doing where you focus on a movie?

How long are you doing cardio?

I was doing cardio for an hour.

What exercises were you doing for an hour where we could watch a movie?

The treadmill.

At what, a 2.5?

I was going at 3.2. I was halfway in because I was avoiding it. I was watching other things first. When I finished it, I was like, “I’m going to cook now. I’m going to have it right here.” I pushed pause and got everything. When I was waiting for my eggs or whatever, I watched some more. When I was getting ready, I kept watching it. That’s when I was like, “This movie is funny.” There were moments though that I always thought consistently that Jim Carrey would get on my nerves, and he did. For some reason, I thought it was the whole movie.

What was the worst joke that got you?

It was early on when he was pulling out the catheter at the beginning. He was like, “I’ve been joking that I’ve been this way for twenty years.” It was like he was trying to change his thing. In the opening scene, he goes and visits him somewhere.

Are we watching the same movie here, Shelly? I don’t know what part this is.

It’s Dumb and Dumber at the beginning. He has a beard. He comes to visit him. He’s in a wheelchair.

Shelly, did you watch the sequel?

She definitely watched the sequel.

Did I watch the sequel?

You said Penny twice. I said, “Penny who?”

I watched the wrong movie.

This is my favorite episode.

There’s the pothead coming out.

Not only did you end up liking the movie, you liked the wrong movie.

I’m like, “What are you talking about, the beard?” He is in a limo. The credits are rolling during the limo scene. What is she talking about? I go, “Penny,” then I’m like, “Oh, no.” I wrote Dumb and Dumber, not Dumb and Dumber To.

I was on YouTube. I put Dumb and Dumber full movie, and then it popped up.

Wasn’t there the one where they were young kids, Dumb and Dumberer?

There were three of them?

In the true canon, there are only two as the nerds like to say. This is a first.

This is my favorite. I love it.

I’ve seen Anchorman. I’m not even mad. I’m just surprised. Normally, Kevin and I would be texting back and forth being this, “This piece of crap. What do we get to do?” You’re hysterical about it. We are not even mad.

That’s so funny.

You honestly are living up to the stereotype. You’re not helping your people’s cause.

At first, I’m like, “She’s together for a pothead. She must not have smoked the last 35 minutes.” This is good. That’s hilarious. That’s hysterical, but the sequel is not good. There are moments where it’s funny though.

I like the sequel.

The pandemic took away the audience from performance, killing a huge energy element. Click To Tweet

I liked it when I first saw it. The second time, no. The funniest scene is when she goes, “He’s at this address.” She hands him the envelope and then they come back ten minutes later to the house. She goes, “That’s the return address you were looking at.”

It was a good cute little movie.

Kathleen Turner hasn’t aged well at all.

I was worried about her voice in that one. I was like, “Her voice sounds like she can barely get it out a couple of times.”

That’s three bottles a day of Hendrick’s Gin and a carton and a half of Cowboy Killer Marlboro Reds doing their finest.

I felt bad for her. Poor thing. I hope her voice is doing okay these days.

When women get older, usually their voice doesn’t get better.

I’m screwed then.

You don’t sound like her. Maybe in another twenty years, hopefully, you avoid that.

Stick with the edible. Stop smoking. Shelly still has never seen the original Dumb and Dumber.

Kevin Israel, why don’t you take off and lead this puppy out of the gate?

I didn’t see this movie in the movie theater. I’m going to lead off with this. I hate to put the cat out of the bag at the beginning. I hate this movie. I’ve always hated this movie. This was the second time that I ever watched it the whole way through. The first time, I’m pretty sure I was drunk. Everything else has been bits and pieces. I have never been able to make it all the way through the movie.

Here’s my caveat to all this though, before everybody starts torching me on Twitter. As a comedian, I know comedy is subjective. I can’t say that this movie isn’t funny because clearly, millions and millions of people think it’s funny. It’s just not my kind of funny. I don’t like stupid humor. There are some shining moments in this movie where I was like, “If they did a little more of that, I would have loved it.” This is the famous scene where they go, “Look at the ass on that.” He is like, “He works that out.” I laughed at that scene.

Every joke they did was funny, then they took it way too long. I know that’s the point of it. The point of it was to beat the jokes into the ground. The whole, “Do you want to hear the most annoying noise?” moment. That scene encapsulated what this whole movie is. It’s just throwing it way too much at you. That’s the humor I can’t stand.

I’ll give an example of why I don’t like this kind of this humor. In American Pie, the character Stifler started off in the first two movies as a jock. He was a jock dummy. His character was that guy that everybody would be like, “I knew him. He was fun but he was an idiot.” In the third movie, the American Wedding, they made him retarded. They completely changed his character. He went from being this cool but idiot who was in on the punchline to being the punchline. He was just the idiot and I hated that. I feel that this whole movie was that character. I wish I could write a thesis on what happened to Stifler or the evolution of Stifler in the American Pie movies.

I so 100% agree with you on what happened to Stifler. American Wedding was like the Halloween III of American Pie movies. You’re like, “What are they doing with this crap?” I was angry in the theater because Stifler is the best part of 1 and 2. I love him. He’s hysterical. They go and they completely piss in the gas tank of that franchise by making it a complete twat.

We’re going to be writing a book called What Happened to Stifler?

For me, this whole movie is about that character and it’s too much. What I also realized was they are cartoons. They’re existing in the real world but they’re cartoons. If you watch every scene, every scene physically has no consequence on the next scene. I’ll give you an example. In the diner where they’re eating and they feed the guy the poison, they spray mustard all over each other, they’re going crazy, and they’re all a mess.

In the next scene, they’re walking out and they’re completely clean. There’s no sign of any of the mess. They’re 100% a cartoon. That’s what happens in cartoons. These were almost like cartoon characters existing in the real world. It drove me bananas. Each of them was given a character trait and that was it. They were very two-dimensional characters that were there for the gag. The worst part of it for me was that they’re both idiots, but Harry is annoying.

If they went with the old Three’s Company’s misunderstanding gag, where Harry didn’t realize that was the girl that Lloyd wanted. They were both going back and forth about how they were dating and they didn’t realize it. It was like, “I can’t believe this happened.” They were like, “None of us will get her.” They walk away and she wanted to be with one of them. I would have gone with that whole thing.

The fact that Harry was annoying and mistreats his best friend, and specifically tries to sabotage his dates, made it so not only these guys are idiots, but they were morally irredeemable. At least Harry is annoying. Lloyd was the bigger idiot of the two. I know you’re not supposed to like these characters and that’s not the point of it. It’s just so much stupidity layered on top of each other.

The scene of him shitting in the bathroom will always be funny. People having explosive diarrhea, if you can’t laugh at that, you’re a corpse. For me, that is always fun, but there wasn’t enough of that. I felt bad about laughing with that thing with the dead bird. I love watching Shelly because Shelly is like, “I have no idea what movie they’re talking about. I haven’t seen any of this.”

Here’s the thing. It’s funny because when you guys brought up the diarrhea scene, I remember that from the first one. When I didn’t recall seeing it, I thought maybe that’s when I wasn’t looking at the thing and I was cooking or something. It’s so funny how I accepted it in my head. “I remember seeing that before, so that’s fine.” I’m right there with you with the poop. Poop is always funny.

There was one scene that I was like, “I can’t believe Gootee loves this movie so much.” They did this where he gets his tongue stuck on the bar. I was like, “That’s A Christmas Story.” They took that directly from A Christmas Story. They didn’t even do anything different with it. It was ridiculous. The gag that got me that I was like, “I wish there was more of that,” was when he was walking out of the bar. There’s the article about the moon landing. He goes and he is like, “Huh,” and then just walks out. I genuinely laughed at that because it was smart, stupid. It was subtly acted. That, for me, was funny.

It wasn’t acted. That was improv.

There you go. I don’t want to beat the dead horse because comedy is totally subjective. Kevin and I are trying to choose our movies to gut. I’m racking my brains. I keep coming up with comedies, but then it’s so hard to gut a comedy because it’s so subjective.

Napoleon Dynamite, screw that film.

You’re 100% right.

Don’t you make a face, Shelly. That film is terrible.

I love that film.

Did you watch that one or did you watch the sequel, the cartoon that was on Fox? There was nothing funny in that movie. In this movie, there was still stuff that I laughed at. I would never say that this was the worst movie ever but I hate it personally, but I get why other people like it. There’s an entire scene where they’re shaving Lloyd’s toenails. Shelly, you don’t know this about me but I hate feet. I immediately take points off for any movie that focuses on feet and especially disgusting toenails. I wanted to throw up in my mouth. That would drive me crazy.

There’s one scene that bothered and I’ll end it with this one. It’s the scene with the police officer pulling them over, and he hands him the bottle. If you handed me a bottle of pee, there’s no mistaking urine for beer. I don’t care if it’s Coors Light. I don’t care what beer it is. Beer doesn’t smell like pee. One of my dogs peed on my other dog’s head. He went running through the house and I was like, “That’s pee.”

You immediately know the smell of pee. The fact that he smells it and then drinks it, I was like, “I know this is Dumb and Dumber, but that’s the dumbest. I just can’t with this movie.” This was the least amount of notes I’ve taken on any movie that we’ve done ever. I knew what I was going to feel going into it and I did. I also get it because it’s comedy and subjective. I can’t be too harsh on it but I hate it. I’ll leave it at that. For me, this movie is a three.

You hate Jim Carrey though. You don’t like Ace Ventura.

I wouldn’t say I hate Ace Ventura. First of all, I like Ace Ventura more than this, but I like a lot of his movies. I like The Mask. I like Liar Liar. I like everything he did in In Living Color. It was great. The problem is when you take these movies that feel they should have been sketches on In Living Color or on Saturday Night Live, and then you make a whole movie out of it.

Ace Ventura was a sketch that he probably pitched to In Living Color. They were like, “I don’t think so.” He was like, “Now I’m wealthy. I’m going to make a movie out of this.” It’s the same thing with this. This felt like a sketch that you would have seen on SNL that maybe would have popped up every now and then. They then made a movie out of it and there was no real story behind it.

You don’t need a story for a comedy.

GSC 112 | Dumb And Dumber
Dumb And Dumber: Dumb and Dumber was probably Jim Carrey at his peak because of how huge that movie was, especially when it first came out.

 

You still need a plot.

You just need bare-bones or just enough to hold the table up to keep you busy for 90 minutes. You don’t need something as complex as Pulp Fiction.

You go all the way to the extreme.

You need something that’s serviceable, not the blatantly awful and crappiest plot. You just need something. This had something to keep the four legs up while they did it. I wonder what Shelly would have given this if she would have watched this film.

If she liked the sequel, she probably would have loved this.

What would you give Dumb and Dumber To, Shelly, since you did watch that one while doing cardio and cooking.

I would give it a five. I’m not saying it’s my favorite movie in the entire universe.

No one is accusing you of that. You did say Napoleon Dynamite is your favorite and that film is trash.

I didn’t say it was my favorite. It’s a good film.

One Crazy Summer is her favorite movie.

It’s a good one. It has got John Cusack and Curtis Armstrong.

Can you watch that movie without being high?

I used to watch it all the time growing up and I wasn’t high.

You weren’t a medicator then?

I was not medicating yet.

These notes are brought to you by GuttingTheSacredCow.com where you can read Kevin Israel and I doing That Doesn’t Happen. For example, that doesn’t happen when people come to our show and watch a movie that’s the sequel instead of the original. That doesn’t happen until this episode. This is great. Shelly, thank you for being a good sport about that.

GuttingTheSacredCow.com is where you find blog articles every day, as well as merch bags, hats, shirts, and cell phone holders. We sell those. We probably should sell bongs for our pot-friendly folks here. We have a lot of the weed friends who like the show. It’s GuttingTheSacredCow.com and GuttingTheSacredCow@Gmail.com if you want to advertise with us and help us build your brand or product.

Notes, first things first, when he says, “Where are you from?” “New Jersey.” Let’s stop right there. As two guys from Jersey, Jersey does not have its own accent. You either sound like you’re from New York or you sound like you are from Philly. There is no discernible New Jersey accent. We’re going to nip that crap right in the bud. Are we not, Kevin Israel?

100%.

Even Jim Carrey knocking on the door with that annoying knock is funny. I never had a limo driver wear a badge ever. If I saw a limo driver wearing a badge, I would know he was a fraud or that I was about to star in a Bang Bus episode. Nothing makes a woman happier when you take your finger and put it to her lips going, “Shh.”

That crept me, just touching pee on somebody’s mouth.

He was banging Lauren Holly at the time, so it was all okay. Hugging a limo driver or Uber driver is a surefire way to get onto your flight wreaking like body odor, Drakkar Noir, and broken dreams. Let’s also get this out there. To Kevin Israel, I will hear no arguments otherwise. Karen Duffy is the hottest MTV VJ ever. There’s no argument. Number two is Daisy Fuentes, and number three is Tabitha Soren. Shelly, I want to hear your top three MTV VJs.

I used to love Riki Rachtman, but I don’t love him anymore. Back in the day, I did.

Why? Did he hit you in The Viper Room? Is he a creep about it?

I knew him later in life. I did enjoy the Headbangers Ball. That was awesome. I loved John Norris. I liked Matt Pinfield. He knew his SH big time too. I love learning from him.

You can tell what music you’re into. If I would have a beat ball, Karen Duffy is still the hottest as Daisy Fuentes and Tabitha Soren. If I was going to base it on the shows, I was a 120 Minutes kind of guy. I didn’t like Kennedy. I loved the music and Amp, which came around later.

120 Minutes was awesome.

I also love the Unplugged Series. Kevin, any other VJs that strike your fancy like Jesse?

What happened to him?

Cocaine or heroin, that’s what happened to him in the form of a speedball.

I always like Pinfield too. I thought he looked like a penis.

He looks like Butterbean, the boxer.

Notice no one said Downtown Julie Brown. She was cute too.

She was good though.

She’s still in the SiriusXM. Continuing on, we can do this all day long and believe me, I can. Running out on the jetway and falling to the ground, to me is like debt in taxes. It doesn’t miss. I laugh so hard at how he runs, “I’m a limo driver.” He B-lines out of there falls on his face. That was hysterical. The sight gags of him getting the “bare essentials” of a paddleball, 10-gallon hat and a pinwheel is hysterical. I love that.

He then stopped to go get a copy of Rhode Island Slut. Did you not notice that? One porno mag that never ever came across my teenage gist-filled hands, never Rhode Island Slut. I would rather see the stewardesses of Southwest Airlines do a nude photoshoot than Rhode Island Slut. “You sold my dead bird. He didn’t have a head. I took care of it.” That’s hilarious. “Sweet little bird, cute little bird.”

Lloyd and Harry aren’t really best friends. They try to scam each other’s girls, as well as get other people to fight each other. This is the most sadist best friend relationship I’m ever privy to. He sold out Harry to Sea Bass when he threw the salt over his shoulder at the diner. I would have left him there on the spot. Wouldn’t the cop have smelled the piss the minute he put the bottle to his nose? I know Natty Light, Meister Brau, and Red Dog all smelled pretty close to that, but that pungent smell of piss is unmistakable. That doesn’t happen.

Pointing and laughing at the hitman from The Last Dragon is horrible. When he drops dead with the rap poison, it’s not gold. It’s platinum hilarious when they go, “Ha.” I still goofball to that. How many people do you think call that number in the bathroom asking for man love over under 42,000? I’ll take that’s now. Jim Carrey’s haircut is what I imagine every backyard wrestler in Michigan wears. That got Shelly because she’s done some backyard brawls out in Michigan.

The subtle jokes are what puts this over the top. When Jeff Daniels tells Lauren Holly, “I make canines, dogs,” and explains it to her like she’s dumb and needs to know what canines were. The soundtrack is so viciously ’90s. Even though I don’t like those songs, they took me right back and put a smile on my face, the Crash Test Dummies’ Mmm and New Age Girl. I’m like, “I’m back in high school again and not getting laid.” When Jim Carrey was in the bathroom swiveling his hips while peeing meant one thing and one thing only to me. He was pissing all the poop streaks off the back of that toilet while doing so. Every guy does that.

Women will never know the wonder of being able to do that.

It’s so fun. It’s so satisfying, Shelly. “That one is the size of a dime. I’m going to get this one up, come hell or high water. Here we go.”

You can keep that. It’s all you.

I’ll accept that on the account of dudes across the country. On Twitter, you can back me up. When Jim Carrey burbs at the bar and scares the crap out of the FBI agent, I laughed hard. When she drones on about her crazy boyfriend and then picks his head up from laying his face down on the bar and goes, “No, and I don’t care,” that perfectly encapsulates dating. Harry shoots like the stormtroopers. Kevin Israel, did you notice that too?

Yes.

Remember when the Hawaiian Tropic Girls were a thing? I had a buddy who landed one and he was kingship for two straight weeks. Bring them back post-haste. Bring back the maximum stuff in H in FHM Girls prestissimo. We need that in our lives.

I also remember a lot of women claiming to be Hawaiian Tropic Girls or models. It was questionable what qualified you as a Hawaiian Tropics.

The thing is about Hawaiian Tropics, I don’t know about that whole thing. That Hawaiian Tropics franchise is very shady.

GSC 112 | Dumb And Dumber
Dumb And Dumber: The point of the film was to beat the jokes into the ground. It’s throwing way too much at you.

 

The only thing missing was an infomercial at 3:00 the morning, asking them to send you $25 for a Girls Gone Wild version of Hawaiian Tropics. They would have gotten my $25.

No hate on those girls, positive vibes. Do your thing but that world is shady.

I smell a tell off from Shelly Martinez.

I’m there with you. I used to love the FHM and all those magazines, as a gal who always knew my path was being a model and stuff like that. I always was like, “That’s what I want to do.”

The argument I heard from Kevin Israel is worse than the argument proclaiming OJ’s innocence in 1995. This film is untarnished as one of the best comedies of all time. The jokes still land perfectly like your favorite pair of broken in-slippers. By the way, I’m going to throw out 1994 as my third favorite year for films. Why? Pulp Fiction, Shawshank Redemption, Ace Ventura, The Crow, Speed, True Lies, Clerks and Dumb and Dumber. That is a murderer’s row of films in one year.

The plot is serviceable for a comedy. It’s an airplane plot. Is all that inspiring and deep? No. It’s there to hold the purpose of being funny. It’s the same with Naked Gun. It’s the same with Dumb and Dumber because the jokes make you forget about the plot of the story. All I need is a bare-bone skeleton. That’s all we need. This movie easily should reside on everyone’s top 25 list of comedies.

I argue this slightly edged out, but Ace Ventura is my favorite Jim Carrey film. This movie without fail passes the remote test. Shelly, the remote test is when you’re watching it on cable. At any point in time, it comes up as beginning, middle or end. You drop the remote and go, “I know what I’m doing for the next time.” This movie is an 8 out of 10. There is an ounce of tarnish on this film. It’s still brilliant. I love it. Someone, please put Lauren Holly on the back of a milk cart. We haven’t seen her in 30 years.

Jim Carrey seems to screw the good-looking ones and leave them like a vampire. It drains them of blood or Shang Tsung of Your Soul. Case in point A, Lauren Holly. Have you seen her? Case in point B, Renée Zellweger. There wasn’t that much to suck out but did she go full duck lips. Is she going for the Howard the Duck reboot?

Critics’ five-star reviews. “The plot is merely an excuse for endless series of gags.” The percentage of them that have scored, that score is fairly high. “It is easily one of the funniest and most quotable movies ever made, the caviar of low-brow, gross-out humor.” If they think that’s low-brow, gross-out humor, I ask you to watch a little film called Freddy Got Fingered. Have you seen that, Shelly?

It’s been a long time.

The first half maybe, two-thirds are hilarious, but the last third half is off the rails awful. Watch it. “The formula is often copied but rarely matched.” That is true. “Dumb and Dumber doesn’t have the greatest plots nor the most impressive direction there is but it’s hysterically funny, which is more than enough to recommend it heartily.” Critics’ one-star reviews. “Gone are the days of John Belushi where rudeness was raised to an art form.” Do you know what was rude? 1941. That was rude of Stephen Spielberg to make that turd. Did anyone see that one?

No.

Me, neither. No one did. It bombed. Steven Spielberg was almost out of Hollywood because of that film. “We can see a lot of these laughs coming and they don’t hold much staying power.” This person is a liar. I will say that. “In execrable catalog of duty jokes, Dumb and Dumber is an abdominal comedy.” Amazon, five-star reviews. “If you let go of your self-perceived intelligence long enough to succumb to this film’s wonderfully idiotic gags, you’ll find Dumb and Dumber to be one of the great side splitters from this era’s specific brand of comedy.”

“At its heart, this is a classic buddy film and a comedy pairing of the ages.” “I want a vacation so bad since all this COVID crap. Where do I want to go? I’ll tell you where. It’s somewhere warm, a place where the beer flows like wine and beautiful women instinctively flock with the stamina of Capistrano. I’m talking about a place called Aspen.” That was cute. It’s a quote from the film. Kevin, did you miss that?

No, I didn’t.

“That’s why it’s called Dumb and Dumber because these two guys think IOU notes make up for taking somebody’s money. Overall, this movie gets five stars for me because it’s a funny comedy film that’s well made and a little cheesy without going overboard. I highly recommend anybody interested in watching a funny comedy that doesn’t mind a few silly laughs in toilet humor to pick it up. You won’t be disappointed.”

“If you need a review on this movie to decide if you want to watch it, then go away. If you don’t already know that Dumb and Dumber is cinematic gold, then this movie might be too high of a caliber for you. It should be a requirement for high school graduation that you quote at least three different parts of this movie.” Four if you want to be magna cum laude, two if you plan on going to a beauty school or a community college.

Amazon, one-star reviews. “I always heard this was a funny movie. It turns out it’s terrible, stupid, and obnoxious to the extreme. Jim Carrey is awful, worse than usual, and is about as funny as a dead nun.” I had to cut this one loose. Last time I checked, alive nuns aren’t too funny either. Do you know who likes diarrhea jokes? Not nuns. “The Sun ordered this. They gave it one star and said it’s okay.” “I watched on the recommendation of someone and was quite sorry to have lost one and a half hours of my life. It’s very low-brow humor. I laughed twice. Signed Adam Sandler.”

“We couldn’t finish it. Maybe the title should be Stupid and Not Funny Either. They make open mics look like an HBO special in the ’90s. It’s a terrible movie that should be labeled Dumbest. There were a few parts that were funny but overall, the humor was pure rile and offensive, especially the diarrhea scene. That should not be something we view on screen at all. Poor plot. I’m amazed that Lauren Holly was in it.” I was like, “Was Lauren Holly that much of it gets in 1994?”

Who is Lauren Holly?

Lauren Holly was the woman he’s trying to get the suitcase back to in the first movie. She’s not in the second movie, Shelly. The next one, “This movie is retarded. It sure is funny but these guys are so vapid. I can’t believe they succeeded in making this a disaster of a movie. This is a part when one of the characters has explosive diarrhea. We were supposed to find this funny? I hate Jim Carrey too. There, I said it.” No, you wrote it. Who doesn’t find diarrhea funny? Unless you’re the one driving home, doing Lamaze breathing, white-knuckling the crap out of that car, “Come on.”

You just got to breathe it through.

I had a guy I used to be friends with in college who drove me back from my house. We were five minutes from school. I went to school in North Jersey in suburbs called William Paterson University. He was white-knuckling the entire way home. It’s raining hard. It was winter. He bolts out right in front of some guy’s house. Off the street is this huge tree. He goes under there for about 2 or 3 minutes.

I see someone on all fours crawling toward me. He’s yelling. He’s saying something at the car but the windows are down because it was cold. I’m like, “What?” I roll the window down. He goes, “Throw me the roll of toilet paper in the back seat.” He craps in some guy’s front yard. I had to throw him the toilet paper. That would have been funny if I had slid over to the passenger seat, drove the car away, and left him with his pants around his ankles in his stinky ass in front of some guy’s front yard.

I once worked with a guy who came into my office and goes, “I got to go home. My stomach is a mess.” I was like, “You can go home.” He’s like, “I’ve had really bad diarrhea all day.” I was like, “You could go home before you told me that.” He is like, “It’s really bad. I went through my extra pair of underwear.” He walked out and I was like, “Why did he have an extra pair of underwear? If he knew this was going to be a bad day that he brought an extra pair of underwear, he should have stayed home.”

He was being prepared. You can’t blame the guy for being prepared. I had a situation that backfired on me because I’m fine talking about diarrhea and usually girls aren’t. I had a job and I didn’t want to go in. I called them. I was like, “I got diarrhea.” I always made people uncomfortable to hear a girl say, “I have diarrhea,” instead of saying, “I’m sick to my stomach.” I was thinking I was going to get the past to not come into work but the guy was like, “Come in. I’ll have medicine for you.” He made sure I took it. It messed my stomach up anyways because I took this medicine that I didn’t need. It was a whole thing, but the diarrhea backfired in my face.

Kevin Israel, did Shelly Martinez gut the sacred cow?

I don’t think to the surprise of anyone. While she was here, she did not manage to gut the sacred cow. I was so prepared to be like, “I’m going to be on Shelly’s side.” She’s here. I thought we were going to be a team. You denied me the opportunity. When you first said you love the movie, I was like, “Crap.” I was like, “It’s going to be me. I’m going to be on my lonely island here saying this movie sucks,” but then you didn’t even watch the movie.

This is like us saying, “Shelly, we’re playing baseball at 1:00. Come on by,” and she shows up bringing a basketball at 2:00.

In case, you want to play and change your mind. I give people options so everyone is comfortable having a good time.

We had a great time with you, Shelly. This is good.

You’ll have to come back and watch a film that we all watch together.

I’ll watch Dumb and Dumber one.

Shelly, why don’t you tell everybody what you’re up to, where we can find you, and what you want to plug?

If you want to find out what I’m up to, go to my site, ShellyMartinez.net. Everything is there. I’m a full-time content creator. I have podcasts. I create a bunch of different stuff. I love reviewing things. Go in there. You can check it out. If you want to follow me, you go to ShellysLinks.com. That’s where you could find my Instagram, my Twitter, and all that. I like collaborating with people, having a good time, and making some fun entertainment for all you fine people out there. Check out my stuff.

What is your podcast about?

I have a couple. I have one called the Wake N Bake Morning Show where I discuss different things. I’m a retired professional wrestler. I used to be in WWE. I talk a lot about my old stories from back in the day and all that. I also have a podcast with my sister called Martinez Girlz Radio, where we try to incorporate music and fun stories. We also raise awareness on mental health, and different things like that. I started a new little thing for my YouTube channel with my friend where it’s called Talking Shit where it’s exactly that, we talk crap. That’s what I did before here. All this crap talk is full circle.

For your WWE days, do you get to tell us about what it was watching the Road Dogg whip his dick out at you in opportune times?

Wrestling is fine. Long story short, I got fired for standing up for myself. I got in a fight backstage. That’s why I’m able to be a full-time creator because it collected this cult following. They’re like, “She’s the girl that told off these people.”

Who was the biggest jerk then? Jerry “The King” Lawler.

I don’t like Lawler. I don’t like Randy Orton. I don’t like Shawn Michaels.

The Heartbreak Kid. Did he break your heart?

No. The person I got in a fight with was Batista, but I’m fine with him. Since then, I’ve had a conversation with him and it’s fine. He did me a favor and it’s all good.

Did he get you to the premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy 1 and 2?

Here’s the thing that gets me though. People who follow wrestling from the era that I was in, it’s public knowledge that I got into this fight backstage with Batista. What irks me is for all these years, everyone is like I always got to bring him up to me, but I know for a fact that no one brings me up to him and it annoys me. It’s got to be fair. You got to swing both ways, people.

What years were you there?

I was there in 2006,

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Dumb And Dumber: Jim and Jeff’s characters are 100% cartoons existing in the real world. Each of them was given a character trait, and that was it.

 

That’s long after I stopped giving a crap. I was a fan in the ’80s. We’re both a couple of older than you. I cared in the ’80s when it was good. I stopped and I got back around 1997 to 2000. Right around 2000 to 2001, it got weird. It has been so off. I tried watching. They had that whole RAW. It was the 25th anniversary.

The new people are so uncharismatic. The whole Rock-Stone Cold era, nothing is going to top that. The Hogan, Macho Man years. No one has the skill. Ric Flair and The Rock are the two best wrestlers, 1A and 1B in my book. You could throw Hulk Hogan there too, but those are my personal favorites. Nothing is going to come close to what it was back in those eras.

The Attitude Era was the bomb. That’s what made me be like, “I have to do this. I’m going to be there. I’m going to be doing this.” I can only speak from my personal experience. I don’t know how things are now. Seeing politics take over is what ruins the product. It sucks because then you get these manufactured talents. There’s no charisma. They’re not connecting with the audience.

I haven’t watched it forever but something I was curious about was when the pandemic did happen. There wasn’t going to be a live audience. One of the things that we, as talent, get off on, is performing in front of a live audience, feeding off of that energy. I was curious when you strip that away. When I would be in training, for example, sometimes we would have to do little promos or whatever. Some people would phone it in. They’re not taking it seriously.

Those people always stood out to me because there’s an old saying, “You practice like you play.” I’ve always wondered, “How are they going to be, if there’s not all the whistles, gadgets and all this, and it’s just them?” That’s what I feel the pandemic did with the fake audience. You’re taking away a huge energy element. That’s why people are now seeing some wrestlers are not good on the mic as they thought or not as good in the ring as they even thought.

Can you tell me what it was like when Mick Foley grabbed the back of your head, put it right against his ass and farted on your head and said, “Have a nice day?”

What?

Do you ever walk in and watch Sable undress slowly like I want to? She was hot.

I haven’t seen her.

Look her up. She’s still hot.

Kevin Israel, where can we find you besides not walking us down the days of the past and wrestling WWE?

I’m going to be tuning in to this episode at least 3 or 4 times. KevinIsrael.com for standup comedy dates. I’m taking a couple of months off for baby-making stuff. I’ll be back on the road probably in February. Check out KevinIsrael.com. More importantly, leave us a five-star rating and one or two-sentence review. It helps us. We love it. Every week, we feature people who leave us great reviews. You get called out. The better review you leave us, the better response you’ll get from our fans and the happier you make us. Isn’t that what this is all about? We’re doing this for you. Do something for us.

KevinGootee.com for comedy dates of mine as well, and NFL picks. Do it exactly what he says. As one review said, “KG and KT are doing a hell of a job.” I don’t know who KT is. When do you ever come to this show? How do you not know Kevin Israel’s KI? Thank you. I’m not going to be mean to your fan. KevinGootee.com, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. Shelly Martinez, this has been an uncharted territory but welcome, nonetheless.

Thank you. I’m sorry for ruining your careers and/or show. Often people who affiliate with me get blackballed in the broadcasting business and the entertainment business. I apologize for that.

No need for apologies, except for watching the wrong film. You did us dirty. Shelly, thank you so much for coming on. Take care.

 

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