And then there was 1. Return of the Jedi is the second of the Skywalker trilogy attempted to be thrown into the Sarlaac pit. Montego and Tiff from @fansonpatrol podcast would love to feed anthrax to the Ewoks as they bemoan why this film is the weakest of the main 3. Do @KevinGootee and @KevinIsrael_NJ clash lightsabers with the FOP? Or do they feel their argument is as satiating as Princess Leia in a metal bikini?
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The Fans on Patrol FORCE CHOKE Return of the Jedi Episode 127 GTSC podcast
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The Fans On Patrol FORCE CHOKE Return Of The Jedi
Fans on Patrol have joined us in this episode. Montago Bradley and Tiff had decided to bring on and try and face Return of the Jedi, the final of the original Skywalker trilogy. They have a problem with this one so we’re going to get into it. Before we do, go to Patreon.com/GTSC. Every $5 a month, it’ll get you access to Kevin, my THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN, movie reviews, stuff we want to see, trailers we want to talk about, all that good stuff. You know the drill. Go to GuttingTheSacredCow.com for merch. Keep telling your friends about us. That’s the most important compliment we can get. We love you for giving us your time. Without any more delay in shenanigans, here are the Fans on Patrol, doing Return of the Jedi.
“Don’t I know you from somewhere? Nah, I’m from Buffalo.” Kevin Israel, name that film.
Our guests are Fans on Patrol, Tiff and Bradley. I’m going to let you steal, Family Feud style. Do you know where that quote is from? No? The answer is Beverly Hills Cop. How are you, folks? Welcome to yet another fantastic edition of the show. In this episode, we are joined by Bradley and Tiff of the Fans on Patrol Podcast. Gentleman and lady, how do you do?
I’m doing all right. How about you?
We’re wonderful. We’re happy to have you.
It’s super juice. I’m Montago Bradley, Fans on Patrol, Mr. Buffalo up to the top. We’re happy to be here. Thank you so much for having us.
That is the most spirited intro I’ve ever heard from a guest, Kevin Israel.
I’m more excited.
If you aren’t excited by that one, you can’t wait to read what these two fine folks have chosen to try and gut in this episode. That is the 1983 classic Return of the Jedi. It has a budget of $32.5 million and a box office haul of $475 million. Turn that into 2022 money. I did. It’s a $92.5 million budget and a $1.35 billion haul. Kevin Israel, that’s your territory for the Marvel stuff. IMDb has a scale of 1 through 10. Montago Bradley, what do you think the Return of the Jedi scored on the IMDb scale 1 through 10 with decimal points?
How about you, Tiff? Give me a number.
It’s 8.3. Not bad. Critics’ Rotten Tomato scores 1 through 100. We’re going to start with Tiff. Tiff, what do you think the critics gave Return of the Jedi?
One of you has won 2 showcases at $100 out of my pocket. It’s Tiff with 82%. It’s pretty good. Kevin Israel is going to lead off. What do you think the audience of Return of the Jedi got for the score for Rotten Tomatoes?
I’m going to say 98.
One of you is dead nuts on. That person has won 2 showcases and that is my co-host, Kevin Israel, with 94%. Not bad.
“Cheesa, veecha kuu wonky Chewbacca. ” That’s, “At last, we have the mighty Chewbacca,” in Huttese, as we recall. The next one, “I love you. I know,” and the meme capital of them all, “It’s a trap.” Kevin Israel, quotes, what do you have?
I have two. “It’s pointless to resist, my son.” This was an addition in the Redux, “We’re still free. Crap.”
I noted that as well.
Montago Bradley, any quotes that jumped out at you?
I got it, “Yee-haw.”
How about you, Tiff? Do you have quotes or anything?
I was going to say, “I love you.” That’s a great one. Over here is just Yoda grunting and rolling over to go back to sleep.
Let’s go to five fun facts. The word Ewok is never said in the film nor were the names of the individual Ewoks. However, both appear in the credits. Next one. Ewoks were a late addition to the Star Wars mythology. Their part was to be played by the Wookies. By the time Lucas and his partner sat down to write Return of the Jedi, they realized that Chewbacca could fly the Falcon, repair the ship and operate pretty much any weapon or machine in the universe. They made the Wookies too technologically advanced for the plot. It would have been better if it was on Kashyyyk.
The voice of Boushh, Princess Leia’s bounty hunter, disguised in Jabba’s palace, is provided by Pat Welsh. Pat Welsh is the only other voiceover over, “Work is a biggie.” It’s the voice of ET. Debra Winger did ET but my fun facts prove me wrong. Number four, Harrison Ford wanted Han Solo to die in the film, sacrificing himself to save his friends. George Lucas vetoed that idea, even though Lawrence Kasdan supported it. Kasdan suggested Solo not survive being thawed to make the audience believe that no one was safe in the final film.
Number five, two more ideas abandoned early on was having Obi-Wan Kenobi returned from the dead. It did make its way into an early draft of the script. This is the second abandoned idea. There were rumors that the final scenes were to mirror the ceremony of the Star Wars finale, where Luke, Han and Chewie get a medal. We also witnessed the marriage of Han and Leia. Let’s go to the section that has ablaze on Twitter. That is Ask a Gutter. @Bango2331 says, “Do you folks have a problem with the whole Death Star II thing? If so, what would your plot be for a trilogy finale?”
Star Wars benefits from time and phenomena.
I sure did have a problem with the Death Star II thing. It’s funny. I did have a problem with it as a kid. To me, it would have been sweet if you had a star battle without having a damn Death Star to blow up because the real fight was in there with the lightsabers and all the sweet stuff had to-dos on the ground. Cut the whole Death Star blowing the thing up. Get rid of it. You didn’t need it. It wasn’t ominous. You didn’t care. You didn’t need to see these guys riding through the Death Star and coming out. They just did that for flash. It didn’t serve the story.
Billy Dee Williams would disagree with you because he wanted his moment in the sun.
You’re right. That’s all we got. We put a puppet next to him.
Watching the Starcruiser crash into the Death Star was pretty cool.
Tiff, what would you change, if anything at all or not?
About the Death Star? That’s fine. Who cares? It’s there. That’s cool.
Next question. @NewarkKnight asks the Fans on Patrol, “Where does Return of the Jedi fall compare to the other two third installment films in the franchise?” They’re asking where it does rank against Rise of Skywalker and Revenge of the Sith.
It’s the best of the three.
I would have hung up on you two if you said Rise of Skywalker so fast that your heads would have spun right out of here because that was an abortion. @Nemiroski says, “Your people skills are no match for the power of the Sacred Cow.” He wants to know when Lucas has redeemed the Ewoks by changing the victory celebration into a victory feast.
There is no way to redeem Ewoks. You had this cool thing that was all dope and then you put these teddy bears there. There’s nothing cool about them. You could have put hip hop cadet Snoop Dogg playing the last music and it still would have sat. No. The hell with Ewoks. I don’t like Ewoks.
Tiffany, anything to add on that or did he say that pretty well?
As a kid, I thought they were cute.
I was twelve years old when that happened and I was like, “What is this crap?” I was twelve so get out of here.
You weren’t a big fan of the Christmas special then?
I was a fan. Do you know why? In 1978 or 1980, when that thing came out, that’s all Star Wars you can get between the movies. It didn’t matter what was happening. It was like, “Yes.”
Our pal, @TacoShirtKrillin, wants to know, “Do you think Return of the Jedi is the worst in the Star Wars series or does another movie hold that spot?” Come on, @TacoShirtKrillin, you know that well.
It’s not the worst. It’s more towards the best. It just happens to be that we’re doing this thing.
It’s the worst of the best.
@LordSnurts, “Why is Star Wars such a beloved franchise despite its hit and miss track record? There are two good movies. One good live-action show and a few decent cartoons and video games, yet folks like me will eagerly line up for the latest project.”
I disagree with it being the two movies. He just keeps giving. There’s more than one good show, according to me. Star Wars benefits from time and phenomena. There was nothing like Star Wars back in 1977. People were going to the movies 47 times to see a movie. When does that happen?
That happened and also ET. They’re blockbusters and it was one of them. After that, you had The Phantom Menace, which adults hate but a lot of kids love it and are grown.
They don’t. It’s universally panned that those kids are grown up. Next one, @RexCrum, “I’m going to label the attempted gutters of these two classics as commies who should be deported to Gizmo.” Fair.
I can feel that.
That person has got a lot going on.
@Eric4953, “Golden metal bikini, yay or nay?”
It was dope. Yay.
It’s part of the whole movie.
@Hopper2400 Matt Dawson, “How far do you think you can kick an Ewok?”
Personally, not very far.
They look solid.
It could be the costume or loaded with the person.
I got to think it’s an all-inclusive in there, Kevin Israel. It’s a pooch pond right there.
I probably wouldn’t be able to knock them down.
“To feed off your question, how many Ewoks could you fend off in a fight?” It’s @Eric4953 again.
Maybe 2 or 3. Maybe one for me.
It depends on the landscape. If we’re in an open field and I got some room, it’s going to be home. If we’re in the bushes, you’re doomed because they’ll be everywhere like bugs out of here.
You can’t argue against art.
@Xiphos says, “I haven’t heard the episode yet. I already know the Fans on Patrol is right about everything, Ewoks.” @AlmightyRay. “Raise cane but we love them. Return of the Jedi started the Star Wars long-term into being aimed purely and totally at small children. Knowing that it’s a movie for eight-year-olds first and foremost gives away a bit of leeway in my eyes. The Ewoks are a little lame but that’s compared to Stormtroopers, not Nicktoons.” He asked you, “What character aimed at young children would you add to the Star Wars universe and what would they do there?”
In all honesty, I don’t think that it’s possible to add something like that to a movie unless it was already organically present. If the movie itself lent it to that kind of extrapolation, then yes but not throwing a teddy bear there.
That’s a good answer now that you said that.
They did in the latter. In the prequel, it had some dinosaur-looking things out there. Last but not least. @WizardPodcast says, “No one will be able to convince Tiff from Fans on Patrol that Star Wars is good or cool. Her pure existence guts the sacred cow.”
That’s rude. It’s not true. I like Star Wars but not as much as everybody else.
Before we jump into it, Kevin Israel, we’ve got some business to discuss. That’s our friends over at Athletic Greens. Kevin, you love it. Why is Athletic Greens important for daily regimen?
Athletic Greens is a part of my daily regimen because it’s a great way to kick off the day. That’s not an over-caffeinated drink. It’s got all the vitamins, minerals and nutrients you need to start your day. I substitute my morning coffee with it. It’s a great way to start for gut health and focus. What more could you want in the morning?
It’s also less than $3 a day. It’s cheaper than getting a coffee and you’re investing in all-in-one nutritional insurance, lifestyle-friendly, paleo-vegan, dairy-free, gluten-free keto with less than 1 gram of sugar. It is the best thing out there. It has 7,000 5-star reviews recommended by professional athletes. It’s a small travel pack. When you buy one order of Athletic Greens, you get a year’s supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to AthleticGreens.com/GTSC. Kevin Israel, it’s time to let these little Padawans in see-through lightsabers and see if they can hop around like Yoda did in Revenge of the Sith and try and cut this puppy down. Without any further ado, it’s time for the Fans on Patrol to gut the sacred cow.
These are in no particular order. These are my list of grievances. The first thing I want to talk about is how the force works in this movie. It uses more of a plot device than actual power. The reason I say that is because they are so powerful that you can move C-3PO to make them look like a God but you can’t use it to free yourself from a rope or blow up a speeder when you’re having a fight in the forest or any of that crap. It comes and goes as the plot needs drama. That bothers me.
I agree with you. I’ve never thought about that until we started talking about this. I was like, “You can do some dope stuff when the action calls for,” but then you’re on that cell bar and all those people are doing all the lightsaber stuff over your head, deflecting bolts. It’s not coming anywhere near you but you can’t throw a bunch of those suckers off the deck.
Like move a planet or whatever but like, “What am I going to do about this rope?”
They tied up with some flimsy crap.
What else do you get?
As a kid, you saw something as sweet and dope as Star Wars and then The Empire Strikes Back comes and knocks your butt onto the ground. You’re like, “What’s going to happen next?” Everything is cool, smooth, spacey and beautiful. You then walk into Jabba’s palace. I know a lot of people love Jabba’s palace. They couldn’t wait to see Jabba’s palace but you walk in and all I saw as a kid were Muppets. I was like, “What is going on?”
I tried to make it cool in my mind because I was young and it was Star Wars. I was like, “It’s cool. I like it.” I couldn’t get around all the puppets and fake, goofy stuff. You’ll have a problem with the Mos Eisley Cantina because that’s the same crap. You had almost ten years to get that crap right and that’s what you came up with? You had Max and Muppets.
It regressed. As somebody stated, it’s more for children but even the one I rewatched for the show was the Disney+ version. That singer is such an abomination. It almost retroactively ruins all of Star Wars, not just this film. It’s so bad. It makes me question the idea of Eyeballs. It’s awful.
It’s a whole singing routine and they thought that was cooler ten years later.
That was in the ’97 Redux version. I saw all of them in the theater when they brought it in. They tried to back out and go, “I don’t remember that. I had the VHS tape at home. Let me go back and watch. That wasn’t there. That must mean the older version is better.”
Even in the introduction of the rancor, he’s down there fighting this thing. This is a hero but where’s the lightsaber? That was so silly and stupid. All it did was holler. You’re like, “What’s happening?” I couldn’t wait for that scene to be over. The coolest thing was when the dude started crying about it.
That’s very human. We all are like, “That’s sad.”
He could have used the force and shut that big gate on his head instead of throwing the skull at the control panel.
The force is not that strong. The force is only for floating C-3PO.
That’s a good point, Tiff. He could have closed the gate. They opened the gate and closed the gate, repeating things over.
In our next point, you can’t argue against it. This movie is where we find out that Luke and Leia are siblings. It’s proof that the plot had not been fully developed because they don’t acknowledge or retroactively try to fix the fact that they were full-on mocking each other. Even though the kiss does not occur in this movie, the ramifications are the kids were disgusted because even Han Solo still thinks that there are romantic feelings involved. It’s a glaring weakness of the film refuses to retroactively acknowledge unless the incest was intentional. That’s the thing. If one of them doesn’t vomit, one of them doesn’t go with that thing that happened or even Han Solo wasn’t like, “What the heck,” we’re all going to be like, “We’ll be friends and that’s fine.”
First of all, everybody agrees with that point but for them to do what you’re suggesting, which was the natural thing to do, for a moment to get there, there’s none of that in any of these movies. There’s no, “Haha,” and any of the other sarcasm. There are no jokes. It’s almost like paper doesn’t exist in the Star Wars universe. Neither do jokes. It wouldn’t flow with the rest of the very stoic way of Star Wars.
I would disagree with that because there’s a scene in this movie where an Ewok peaks into a window and squeaks like a joke. It’s very silly. It’s an intergalactic war and there’s this silly fighting that we have for some levity. They wouldn’t even necessarily be funny because I don’t think being like, “That was pretty gross,” is funny. We all know what happened and it’s pretty gross. There was even a brief moment where they both frowned.
I would have liked to see the scene when he was talking to her outside and was like, “I never knew my mama. You’re my sister. Do you mind if we kiss? They don’t tell nobody about that crap.” The deleted scene is, “I remember I dropped the thing where we were swinging across that chasm and the first Death Star.”
I remember that too. We can talk about this crap no more because there’s turbulence.
Just like Bruno, we don’t talk about that.
It’s because, in that scene, she says, “I always knew.”
To belabor the point, at the end of Empire, where he’s hanging from that weather vane at the bottom of Cloud City, she telepathically goes, “Luke, what if I got off my keys behind?”
This argument is solid.
One thing that has always bothered me about this whole struggle between darkness and light was Darth Vader. We don’t know if Darth Vader knew that Lucas was his son. He could have been playing the emperor the whole time. We don’t know. This guy was the brightest shining light in the whole galaxy. He didn’t save planets and people and blew up the Death Star. He’s a good boy with a lightsaber.
All of a sudden, this old pimp comes walking in, the emperor and he’s like, “Young Skywalker, you could be a great ally.” I didn’t get it as a kid. I’m like, “Why?” In the last movie, Vader was like, “We can turn against them. You and I son.” I don’t understand. Strike me down with all your anger and journey to the dark side to be complete. How? I killed the evilest dude on the planet and his boy. Why do I got to become evil because I do that crap? I don’t understand it. If I am evil, why am I going to kick it with you? I’m going to dethrone the pimp. Both got to go. Why would you want him to be evil with you? I don’t understand.
It’s because there’s always the rule of the Sith. There are always two. If you go back to Episode 1, they talk about there are always two. That’s why it’s going to knock them off. You and I could roll and then that’s it. We get rid of him and continue the rule of the Sith. That’s the rule.
There was no rule of the Sith when this movie came.
I know. It’s a make-up call from what they did. I get it but they try to backpedal that with that logic with Episode 1 like, “By the way, here’s why they do this.”
It’s a great way to start your day gut health focus.
It took them eighteen years to try to fill that hole. They all blew that one. That was some crap. Why am I going to kick it with the two of you punks? I’ll kill both of you all. I will be the most shining light in the galaxy. Why do you all think you all can turn me? It didn’t work. I’ve always had a problem with that. It didn’t make any sense to me, even as an adult. It makes you mad when you pick that up.
The other point that we’ll make by this movie that we have to talk about is the obvious introduction of the Ewoks as a money grab because George Lucas infamously made a lot of money off of toys. It’s toyriffic. It was when you introduced a character like that to make money off of a toy sale. They do nothing besides be ridiculous and even in their treatment. When she takes her hat off and he’s confused, I’m like, “He’s wearing a hat too. Why is that confusing to him?”
I don’t want to talk about other movies because we’re talking about this movie, specifically with the Ewoks. It wasn’t necessary to introduce new planets. We could have a different planet. This planet specifically was weird because we’re talking about the war all over space and then there are rebels everywhere but this planet is remote. It’s a moon.
It’s not a moon. It’s a space station.
It’s a Star Wars quote. You guys knew that.
George Lucas infamously has made his properties worse with this action like, “No one’s going to notice if I shoehorn this thing in because they’re going to love me so much. It’s going to be fine.” That’s fine. It’s adding stuff to a film. If I don’t notice it, I don’t give a damn, no matter how much you’ll shoehorn it. If you can make a good film, I’m going to notice it or not notice it. The Ewoks’ presence is bad.
The Ewoks’ presence is super bad. I didn’t mind the planet. I thought the planet was dope because all you had was sand and metal before that. The planet and the speeder bikes were cool but the Ewoks are unforgivable. I get it. They wanted to do Wookies but couldn’t afford it but it didn’t work for you for some reason.
They could afford it. They had a $37 million budget and made $1 billion already.
It didn’t exist. It is what he said.
He can’t be trusted so he introduced Ewoks.
I’ll go back to the question that the person asked because it was my thing, which is another Death Star. I don’t understand the repetitiveness. I don’t get it. You could have done something else. You’re a writer. Write something.
Do you know why they did it? It’s because the first one was cool. They’re like, “Let’s go back to the well.” That’s funny.
You could have had the Star Destroyer crash into each other as they did in that sweet movie.
It was like Benny Hill where you collide together.
That’s what happened to the other one. They pushed the one in there but it could have lost power and crashed because they were all tight.
It’s The Last Jedi. I know what you’re talking about.
It’s Rogue One. They pushed him with this other ship. There you go. The Death Star is unforgivable. I’m sorry. It wasn’t even finished. You had this great big vulnerability for the drive-in and then fly out, which seems impossible to you going 1 billion miles per hour.
That causes me a lot of anxiety every time I watch it. I’m like, “These people are going to die.” For me, the most egregious point is this last point because, in the plot of a movie, we see people grow and change. That’s the point. My problem with this movie is the redemption of Vader. There’s no regret, thought or showing me that he’s changed. The thing that happens is verbalized to us. In the last few seconds, he’s like, “Don’t kill my son.”
I was told, not shown. You should show me, not tell me but they told me. They didn’t show me his growth in any way. I didn’t see him change in any way. I didn’t believe that he had changed and then this happened. On top of that, the problem is that you can commit millions of atrocities and be able, for dozens of years, to save your son and then all of a sudden, you’re back with the force. You’re a good Jedi again, get to be a force ghost and all that crap.
It’s like, “I’m going to heaven.” It never sat right with me as a kid. I’m sitting there like, “He did one good thing. Was it a good thing or a selfish thing? It’s because that was his boy.”
He didn’t shoot C-3PO at the end of Empire. He knocked the gun down as he was about to shoot them.
“I got kids and I want my kid’s ass but you better not touch my kid.” That was a selfish act right there. He was like, “I told you, don’t touch my kid.” He picked his ass up and picked him up on a ledge. It was still evil. Get out of here.
It was more like he was thoughtless, an automaton almost.
One thing that made it worse in a newer version was they added up the, “No.”
That sounds like it’s a wrap for you guys in your argument.
It does. I love Star Wars. I don’t like talking bad about it.
The next part is you giving us both of your scores from 1 to 10 of Jedi.
For me, it’s a seven.
Did you come on here to gut the cow with a seven?
I didn’t expect that, Kevin Israel. Did you?
No. How about you, Montago? What do you get?
It’s more like a five. It’s a Star Wars in the middle. I love it because of Star Wars. It got a lot of cool stuff. A lot about it, I like but it’s this crap that we talked about that’s always a problem.
It’s a combined six for Fans on Patrol. I should have busted out the saber that I constructed in Star Wars land in Disney for this episode. It’s right over there. I’ll get it when I’m ready. Before we get to that, Kevin, there are more businesses we will talk about. That is Hydronique Hydration. Kevin, this is a fantastic product for many reasons.
One, I’m going to call it the Las Vegas reason. Why? It’s because this keeps you hydrated. The Founder was a frontline healthcare worker. He found that 81% of frontline healthcare workers develop headaches because their PPE, face masks and face shields prevented them from eating and drinking properly while on the job. He would leave work tired, dehydrated and burnt out.
This is keto-friendly, healthy and has no sugar, unlike most powder drinks out there. That’s why Hydronique Hydration is out there. It’s sugar-free, keto-friendly, plant-based and antioxidant-rich electrolyte powder packets for daily use containing all the essential vitamins and minerals with a refreshing taste. There are 30 electrolyte packets in a pouch with one month’s supply. Kevin, take a guess how much you think this fine product is charging for the wonderful healing powers.
I’m going to say $60.
George Lucas infamously made a lot of money off of toys.
It’s $39.99 on Amazon. You get a coupon code when you check out. Visit their website, HydroniqueHydration.com. Kevin, would you like to take the honors? I’ll show how I’ll lead this.
I’ll jump off. Here’s the thing about Return of the Jedi for me. Three movies are going on in Return of the Jedi. There’s a cool one, an okay one and a terrible one. The cool one for me is everything that happens in Jabba the Hutt story. I love that storyline. I love that they go and rescue him. I love the whole confrontation between Luke and Jabba. As a kid, I thought the rancor was the best. I loved big monsters as a kid. When that thing walked out, I was like, “This is it.” I wanted more out of the rancor. They didn’t have it probably in the budget to have a whole dance scene with him.
In the Redux version, they have an extended dance with rancors singing.
He was going to sing with the lady. I love the whole storyline and the fight on the pleasure barge or whatever that was called. I thought it was great but I agree and I thought of it. It hit me. Why didn’t he have his lightsaber with him? Why did R2 have it in his head? Did he plan on getting captured? That was a terrible plan. I loved seeing it all play out but Luke is a terrible tactician. He’s like, “First, I’ll send them the robots. Damn the robots. They’re going to end up being slaves and I might not get them back. Screw them. We don’t need them.”
He’s like, “That might not work so I’m going to send in Chewbacca. Chewbacca is going to do nothing. I’m going to send in Leia dressed in some crap so we can sell another action figure. Lando is going to be there but it’s not clear if Lando was there as part of that or on his own at first and what he specifically is doing there.” Luke shows up and he’s unable to do anything to Jabba the Hutt. Once he wasn’t able to, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” the emperor could shoot lasers out of his hand.
Luke can’t do that. Luke picked up an X-wing out of the swamp. That was the baseline for his power. He could have lifted the whole thing Jabba the Hutt was sitting on. He could just flip that fat slug over and that whole part would have been done. I would have liked to see a lightsaber battle between Luke and the rancor monster. I thought that would have been so much cooler.
It was cool that he died and I agree with Tiff that it was a human moment when you see the guy crying about the rancor. It would have been nice if you saw a split second of a scene that explained that relationship somehow, like him feeding it or petting it. It could be something to say, “He cared about it,” besides this fat slob of a guy crying over this dead slob or monster.
I do love that story. In A New Hope, that was also my favorite part. It’s on Tatooine. I love that spaghetti Western sci-fi feel the whole scenario has. The other story that’s good but not as enjoyable as that is the whole Luke battling the emperor and Darth Vader. This is what the whole thing was building up to. This had to happen. This is the showdown at the OK Corral. We had to see this. It never satisfies me the way I wanted it to. It could be because of Darth Vader that you don’t get to see his face turn to use wrestling terminology.
I want to blame the helmet on that because if you could see a character’s face and when the emperor was like, “Vader’s my pet. Do what I say.” If you could see some tension or difficulty with him dealing with that in his face, you might’ve been able to get what Tiff was talking about like, “I see he’s getting frustrated at the emperor and where this is leading to,” but it’s just this black helmet. You have to assume it. The battle was great, especially as a kid.
Now that we’ve seen how Yoda can fight in the prequels and how Jedis could fight, it’s like, “This is disappointing.” Still, lightsaber battles are always awesome. The movie had to end that way. The third movie that’s going on, which is almost split into two, is the Ewok and the space battle crap, which has tied together. The idea that the force field is generated from this planet onto the space station is terrible planning. They could have come up with a better way to create a force field than off of this planet and why.
There was no explanation as to why they had to do that on the planet to create a force. At least they could have been like, “They have the only minerals on the planet that can create that energy to create the force field.” Instead, it sounds like terrible military planning like, “We have this big space station but there’s a little base down there that if you blow up, we don’t have any shields. That’s not going to happen.” It happens. The Millennium Falcon, to me, is the greatest hero car of all time. You could give me the A-Team van, Nightrider Batmobile and anything. Millennium Falcon takes it all. It’s the greatest hero car. I love it.
The only reason I liked the later trilogy is for the scenes with the Millennium Falcon in it. I will watch Millennium Falcon fly around and blow stuff up all day long. That battle felt so tortured and repetitive to what we’d already seen. You guys made the point that it’s like, “Come up with something different for these people to do during this whole time.” It’s because they were like, “We can’t have Jabba the Hutt scene and the lightsaber battle scene because that movie will be 50 minutes. We need to work in some other stuff so we’re going to add a village of Teddy Ruxpins running around and that’s going to be exciting.”
It’s so bad. I’m not going to torture how horrible the Ewoks’ storyline is. I hate everything that happens on the planet. I’m a car guy. As much as I like the idea of speeder bikes, it’s way outweighed by how horrible the Ewoks’ storyline is and how ridiculous it is. It’s a horrible way to try to pull this all together.
What this movie does still have going is the great cast of characters. You love these characters. They’re so iconic. Movies are trying to recapture that. It was its subsequent trilogies. We’re trying to recapture the magic of these characters and fell brutally and short. It was such simple chemistry, the charming rogue, the naive but promising kid, the bad-ass chick and the furry muscle guy. It’s such an easy thing to put together but it’s so great. For all of its weaknesses, this movie is still entertaining for the characters.
For me, it’s always about the characters. A plot without characters is nothing for me. It’s almost like half of a book. I would rather see great characters and a crappy plot than an amazing plot and boring characters. That’s what I call the Christopher Nolan effect, great plot but boring characters. This was the end to such a powerful trilogy but Lucas saw the dollar signs.
I’m a kid of the ’80s like Kevin is. This was the most masterfully marketed toy campaign of any property ever. They made toys of everything. If a character was on the corner of the screen for a second, he got an action figure and you wanted that action figure because you needed everybody who was in the canteen, in jail or Jabba’s palace.
My buddy had the first droid that fizzles out and blows up. That’s where they pull out R2. My buddy had that droid. It was a separate droid. It wasn’t even like they sold them all together. It was a single droid you had to buy.
I had the band. It came with this little piano, the blue guy. I would just have them set up but you couldn’t do anything. Lucas knew the cash cow that he was riding. Jedi was the result of all those dollar signs being thrown at him. While in the trilogy, it is the weakest. That’s like a Ferrari slower than a Lamborghini but it’s still a pretty awesome car. The Return of the Jedi is the Ferrari to New Hopes and Empires Lamborghini for me. This movie will always be an eight.
What numbers are Empire and Star Wars for you?
Empire is a ten for me. I will watch Empire. It’s not even a question.
You’ll watch all three of these at any time.
I won’t watch all of the Return of the Jedi. Star Wars is 8.5. There are parts where it’s a little slower but I love the beginning of Star Wars and everything that takes place on Tatooine.
Star Wars is 9.5, Empire is 8.5 and we’re going to find out what I think about Jedi. These notes are brought to you by GuttingTheSacredCow.com, where you will find all of our sweet merch. Go to GuttingTheSacredCow@gmail.com if you want to say hi or, more importantly, want to advertise with us. You’ve already read two advertisements here in this episode. Subscribe to us on YouTube.
Here are the notes, “As the movie starts, that first chord hits you right in the gut. That sends shivers up my butthole every single time.” “The opening music when Vader lands was top-notch. It is the perfect tone-setter. I’ve seen this movie. I don’t know how many times. Every time, I need to pause and go, ‘Is that Gary Sinise talking to the Darth Vader about how you have to be on schedule? That sure looks like Gary Sinise.'” “Whoever designed Bib Fortuna’s character must have watched a documentary on brain tumors.”
“The only thing missing from Jabba the Hutt is a rascal scooter, Mountain Dew and an ‘Earnhardt forever’ t-shirt.” “Want to watch grown men make silly face slack-jawed faces? Go stand in line at the Millennium Falcon or Smuggler Run in Disneyworld, where I especially go, “Wow.” That Falcon thing is so cool.” “One of the studios I do voiceover work at has a life-size carbonite sculpture of Han Solo autographed by Harrison Ford. I ask every time I go in for work, ‘How much?’ The guy always says, ‘I’m telling you and everyone else who asks about this that there’s no chance I am selling this.'”
“The added song by Jabba’s band in the Redux version is two minutes of my life that I demand back posthaste.” “Salacious Crumb, the rat in between Jabba’s tail, looks like every guy who mouthed off in a group fight but never threw a punch.” “Luke Skywalker is still holding onto that Fisher-Price toy haircut. It’s like he’s trying to still go for Prince Adam/He-Man cut but the barber fell short in his attempt.” “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, my first boner, Princess Leia, in a metal bikini.”
Boys and girls, you just witnessed Kevin Gootee’s first, “Daddy, why is my penis getting so hard?” “How did you guys not talk about this? Do you remember how awesome the game Return of the Jedi was on Super Nintendo? You can throw your lightsaber around, which you didn’t do in the movie.” “The arcade version was pretty cool, too. Speeder bikes and blowing up the Death Star. Add, wash, rinse and repeat.” “The sail barge Sarlacc pit scene is so bad-ass. You get the green lightsaber and one of Princess Leia’s butt cheeks.”
“I am floored that three of you miss this one. I’ve said it one million times in this show. I’m going to say it for the last. Boba Fett is the most overrated character in the history of cinema and this franchise. He does nothing but fly Han Solo away from an empire and goes out like a complete fox in Jedi enough for the love of Boba Fett. He’s as meaningful to this story as Steven Seagal was in the movie Executive Decision.” “The emperor’s theme in Jedi is one of the top ten in search songs or scores in film history. You can listen to it at any time ago. That’s still good.”
“If I had to ever sketch Joan Rivers’ vagina, it would look exactly like Yoda’s head.” “Between this and Back to the Future, the ’80s sure love having incestual themes.” “It’s nice of Ben and Yoda to slowplay way of being Luke’s sister. That would have been nice before they started locking lips or even training her to be a Jedi and helping her fight.” I’m surprised you boys and girls missed this one. Here’s my biggest problem with this film. Kevin Israel, you’re 100% right about the characters. That’s why Quentin Tarantino’s films are fantastic. This film is also fantastic.
One character I had a big problem with in this film is Han solo. Why? It’s because he’s not Han Solo in this film. He’s not near as playful, sarcastic or cocky. He is moonwalking his robotic ass through this film the entire way and his way too grown up. He’s nowhere near that lovable scamp we fell in love with the first two films. What a waste of Han Solo in this film. If the speeder bike scene doesn’t get you going in this film, nothing will. That crap was so bad-ass. I was dying to get to that level and Return of the Jedi for a Super Nintendo and fly speeder bikes.
My second biggest problem in the film is not the Ewoks but the amount of time that is devoted to them. I agree with all your points. We all know it’s a crappy cash grab but here’s the problem. They focus way more on them than why the reason we all paid money to sit in that theater and see it. The film is based on 4 characters in all 3 of these films, Han, Leia, Luke and Vader. That is who the focus should be on 85% of the time, especially since this was the final of the series. We deserve more camera time with those characters that we treasure and love.
Speaking of the toys, remember the Ewok village, Kevin Israel? They even had the cargo net in there. Tiff took my ammo on this one. Luke and Han have faced blasters, lightsabers and cannon fire but they throw their hands up and surrender to a bunch of Teddy Ruxpin knockoffs, holding sharpened rocks at the end of sticks. “Leia has been missing for about 6 to 8 hours when her speeder bike crashes and her hair magically grows to Rapunzel length. Where can I get that Ewok Rogaine to cover up my bald spot, please?”
“Leia plays it way too cool for me when Luke tells her that Vader is also her father. If someone’s going to say that crap, I would expect more of a Spanish telenovela, ‘Ay Dios Mio.’ She’s like, ‘I got you. It’s not a good day but all right.'” “The tension between Luke Vader and the emperor is palpable and perfect. The push and pull of Vader’s motion with Luke are great.” “Another character, Nien Nunb, the copilot of the Falcon in this film. Whoever designed him must have eaten a roast beef sandwich or watched a gangbang video. I don’t know which one.” His face is a good giant pussy for all those people if we put that together.
“The singular Ewok dying in a battle where lasers are flying aplenty. One person died. It’s touching but nowhere near the level of when Optimus Prime died in the Transformers cartoon film because that still scarred my soul.” “I see what you did, George Lucas. The Y-wing pilot who gets shot down looks Asian and kamikazes right into an Imperial Star Ship.” ” Emperor Vader and Luke’s act alone is worth 1.5 points on this scale. When Luke is baited by Vader by threatening his sister, was brilliant.” “Why does Vader’s head when he takes his helmet off look like it was eaten by a bunch of zombies? Did Salacious Crumb get to his head too?”
I did like the scenes where they added the celebrations of all the cities after they blew up the Death Star, unlike that colossal piece of crap Rise of Skywalker, where they all high five like they were at junior college graduation and had a forced same-sex kiss that had no context and also the two minutes song and dance version. I don’t know what that was but that was hot trash. “This film is still quite solid.” Yes, some scenes drag. You are right, Kevin Israel. In the forced Endor scene, besides the speeder bike part, I was like, “Ugh.”
You all bring up fantastic points, especially Tiff and the lack of force capabilities exhibited by Skywalker. You have done what not many people have done and that is to give you to drop my score. It is a 7 out of 10 instead of 7.5 out of 10. This film is still great and very watchable. There are warts and it does dragging parts.
As Israel said, the sail barge part, I’m all in. That last act, I am double all in. That music is perfectly set but that middle third, after watching it again, it is a 7 out of 10. Good job, folks. I can’t believe that you gave it an 8 and you’re on this show trying to tell us it’s overrated. That’s hilarious. Let’s see those people who demand that Fruitvale Station wins the best picture of a year.
Here are critics’ five-star reviews, “The Return of the Jedi offers enough moments that are not only fitting entry into the franchise but what was thought of the time as a fitting conclusion to it as well.” “It’s constructed in spirit and hugely enjoyable but the force simply isn’t as strong in this one.” “It’s more good than bad. The opening in Luke, Vader and emperor showdown is great. It just has some weaker elements that drag the overall experience down.” “Return of the Jedi, the final act of George Lucas’s first Star Wars, is the best one yet.” I agree with 3 of the 4 of those.
A movie’s plot shows the characters’ growth and change.
Here are critics’ one-star reviews, “These are all hints in the escapade notionally directed by Richard Marquand that we are meant to be taking it seriously. The problems with Jedi cannot be fixed even with the best digital software in the galaxy, the weak story, the bad performances, the burp jokes and Luke’s bizarre-looking hair mop.” “With its faints at heart and pathos, the third Star Wars film is the most Disneyesque in its emotional outline. That outline is buried beneath in a noxious hyped-up pace that reduces the emotions to rubble.” My favorite critics’ one-star review is, “Chewbacca doesn’t have enough dialogue,” although he didn’t shut up in Episode 3.
Here are Amazon’s five-star reviews, “My children are dictating this review. This is their favorite movie of all the existing 2018 movies. They love the way the characters relate to each other far better than five. As children, they find it empowering to see small, rather sweet, simple creatures help bring down the empire. The only part they do not like seeing is Leia as a sexual slave. They hate that. Leia overall is much better in five. In six, she has some good ideas as a good fighter and as much more empowered and smart. Something tells me that this lady doesn’t have boys as children.”
That didn’t happen.
“No, mommy, the patriarchy’s keeping her down in this episode. Not as good.” “This movie is incredible. I still love it, even in the full-screen version and with those annoying Ewoks. They save the day in the battle of Endor. They are cute and cuddly but everybody seems to forget that they’re going to eat Luke, Leia, Han and Chewy for dinner. I would have never turned my back on one of those things ever. I don’t care how cute and cuddly they are.”
Next one. “No damage.” It’s the Blu-ray or DVD copy. “My favorite all-time movie. Luke becomes awesome. Mind games in the throne room could do without the Ewoks but being set in coastal redwoods makes up for it.” Signed by the Head of Chamber of Commerce in redwoods, California. Here’s the doozy of the doozies, “Jar Jar Binks is still annoying. Why do some aliens feel like offensive, racial tropes?” My answer is maybe they flew a spirit airline for a cross-country trip. You never know.
Here are Amazon’s one-star reviews, “I love the movie as it is not only my favorite Star Wars movie but also my favorite movie of all time. Unfortunately, I hate the edit where Darth Vader shouts, ‘No,’ as he tosses Palpatine down the Death Star reactor shut. James Earl Jones is one of the greatest voice actors of all time but one thing he’s not good at is shouting, ‘No.'” Something tells me that this guy’s wife is shouting, “No,” when he asks for weekly sex.
“Purchase this because it specifically said theatrical version but it’s the one with force ghost Hayden Christensen and the new music at the end. The description is misleading. I need to figure out if I can get my $20 back.” “I want to cancel this order as I made it by mistake. This was posted as a $19.47 charge on August 14th, 2018. Thank you.”
“The kids liked it. Adults tolerated it.” “I tried to cancel the order minutes after ordering. I was not allowed to cancel and get a refund. They claimed I had watched the film or was after 24 hours. Not true. I can’t see how to place requests for help.” If you two ever want to go down a rabbit hole of hilarity, I highly advise you to go down the Amazon one-star reviews. It is like Jelly of the Month Club in Christmas Vacation. It’s the gift that they keep on giving Clark. Kevin Israel, did Montago Bradley and Tiff gut the sacred cow?
You guys are awesome to have on. I love that you’ve made awesome points. I agreed with almost everything you said but I don’t think this movie was gut. Number one, it’s because you gave it a combined six in a score, mostly because the movie is such a powerhouse. As Kevin said, there are warts but we love it, warts and all. It’s just that kind of movie, especially seeing what happened in all the subsequent movies that were made after this, like the prequels. They never were able to capture the magic of these original three. Even if Return is considered the weakest of the three, it’s still a strong movie.
That’s like having your 3rd kid not as smart as the 1st so you still love that little kid. You can’t throw them away. You’re right. The first three are the best. I will go on the limb and say Rogue One is fantastic. No one’s going to fight me on that. I will go to bat and say Revenge of the Sith is the next best after all those. I love Revenge of the Sith. It’s great. I love it.
I say Empire and then Rogue One. I liked that so much better.
I’m saying the first three and then Rogue One. This five for me. You don’t have to fight out the rest. It’s easy. The Phantom Menace is the worst and Rise of Skywalker is the second-worst and then you guys can throw it all in a pot. The second half of two is decent. The first half sucks. The second half of two is good. The whole gladiator battle scene and all that crap where they go and they find the plans, that’s good. The first half is garbage.
It’s unforgivable when you see those Jedis in the back swinging at the same droid 5 or 6 times in silence because I can’t unsee that. They keep swinging. I’m like, “What are they doing back there?” That’s not good. I’m sorry.
Montago and Tiff, why don’t you shout out what you’re up to, where we can find you and all that good stuff?
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