Kevin Gootee Shoots The Eye Out Of A Christmas Story Episode 59 GTSC Podcast

GSC 59 | A Christmas Story

Yep, you read that right. It’s time again for the old switcharoo as @KevinGootee takes the guest chair for this holiday season. He bullseyes one of the most beloved Christmas movies of all time, A Christmas Story. Yep, no mercy for Ralphie as KG has 7 oil drums of vitriol in store for this film. And returning as guest host is a GTSC favorite, @BillSchultz from @morninbillandjo on @compoundmedia. We can’t get rid of him, especially at Christmas time. But man, Bill LOVES A Christmas story and he’s not giving KG an inch. Can KG convince @KevinIsrael_NJ and Bill this film is worse than a bully wearing a coonskin hat?

NEWS UPDATE: You got us to #32 on the iTunes film review Top 100 last week and, as of 12/11/20, got us to #20 on that same chart!!! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! We honestly are touched beyond belief that you cared enough to give us a chance and stick with us on our unique vision. If you could keep telling your friends/coworkers/local homeless people about what a fun show we are, we’d consider that the best Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus gift EVER.

Ok, we lied. The next best gift would be coming to our live show on 1/23/21 at the AMC Clifton, NJ, and watching Bill and Joanne try and take down the Karate Kid. We watch the movie together and then do a live episode. Tickets are over halfway gone. Grab them now here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/gutting-the-sacred-cow-live-show-tickets-128202821089?fbclid=IwAR2CxY-xi0y7UHXGH3OiPr8VouVYx90SuinF0Q8pcXpOMvrrjMTBsMqYpm8

Make sure to follow @KevinGootee @GTSCpodcast @KevinIsrael_NJ @BillSchulz @morninbillandjo on twitter and all other social media.

Lastly, guttingthesacredcow.com has NEW articles M-F, so make sure you bookmark that and mark that part of your morning routine/constitution/smoke break.

Again, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT!

Listen to the podcast here

 

Kevin Gootee Shoots The Eye Out Of A Christmas Story Episode 59 GTSC Podcast

How awesome was Dave Landau when he did Good Will Hunting? That episode is hilarious. We’ve got a holiday spirit in store for you because I go and gut a film. I take on A Christmas Story. I hate that film. This is like when Kevin Israel sat in the gutting chair and did The Shining. I’m doing A Christmas Story. Before we get to it, I want to thank you. We are going to talk about it in the episode but here’s a news update as of December 12th, 2020. We now hit number 20 on the iTunes Top 100. In the episode, I say we are 32. Now we are number twenty.

Thank you so much, every one of you, for helping us get there. You helped us get there by writing those 5-star ratings and 2-sentence reviews. Thank you for telling a friend and sharing on social media. We want to see you at the live show on January 23rd, 2021, at AMC Clifton in New Jersey. We are doing The Karate Kid with Bill and Joanne. It just so happens that Bill Schulz is back in the cohost chair for this episode. You know we love that scamp, as he loves to call people. Bill Schulz and Kevin Israel are riding shotgun together as I take on A Christmas Story. Thank you so much for everything. Without further ado, here I am, taking down A Christmas Story.

What is happening, fellow gutters? Welcome to another episode of the show. Why am I talking to you to kick this off? This is a very special episode of the show for three reasons. One, it’s our holiday episode. I’m wearing a ridiculous leopard-skin Santa hat. It’s the only Santa hat I endorse. To get this out of the way for the entire episode, I’m Jewish and celebrate Christmas. Go screw yourself. I’m not going to explain it. Go to my Facebook page. Number two, we have a special cohost. We have brought him back for the 97th time. We have to put him on the payroll. It’s Mornin’!!! Show on Compound Media‘s Bill Schulz. Welcome back, Bill.

I’m the carrot-top of talking about movies. What movie are we going to be talking about?

The third reason this is a very special episode is that this is another flip-the-script episode. This is another Freaky Friday episode, The Shaggy DA or whatever you want to call it. Our captain of the USS Gutting the Sacred Cow has decided his movie to gut. He has chosen a seasonal-correct movie that has sent Bill Schulz into a tizzy. I’ve listened to nothing but these two going back and forth on Twitter like two angry cats because Kevin Gootee has chosen the holiday classic, and the beloved played at least twelve times on Christmas Day, A Christmas Story.

This is our holiday episode. For the holidays, if you are still trying to think, “What should I get my loved one? What should I buy my best friend, girlfriend, fiancé or partner?” You can always buy them tickets to our live show. It’s happening on January 23rd, 2021, at the AMC Clifton. We are going to be reviewing The Karate Kid with none other than Bill Schulz and Joanne of Mornin’!!! Show on Compound Media.

We are doing The Karate Kid. This was my cohost’s idea. I don’t like The Karate Kid but I loved the balls on her. The Karate Kid is not without its flaws, gentlemen.

Come on out to AMC on January 23rd, 2022. If you go to GuttingTheSacredCow.com, you can still get tickets. It’s going to sell out. We are socially distancing. The whole building is going to be safe. It’s a massive theater that will have very limited seating to ensure that everybody safely doesn’t support it. Come out to AMC Theater on January 23rd, 2022, in Clifton. Don’t miss out.

We will do the facts before we start this. These two are drooling and champing at the bit, as Kevin Gootee likes to say, to get to each other but we will get the housekeeping out of the way. This 1983 Christmas sensation had a budget of $4 million and a profit of $20.6 million. In 2020 money, that’s a $10.5 million budget and a profit of $54.2 million. That’s not too shabby for a Christmas movie. We are going to go over the scores. IMDB, as we all know, is a scale of 1 to 10 with decimal points. Gentlemen, I will start with my cohost or our Founder, Kevin Gootee. What did A Christmas Story get on IMDB?

I know it’s loved a lot and wrongfully because this is a nation of people that finds the show Friends funny. I’m going to come right out. This is 8.4.

Bill?

It’s eight.

You were both close. It’s 7.9 on IMDB. Bill missed it. You both know Rotten Tomatoes. I’m going to go over them to get the formality out of the way. It has a critics’ score of 89% and a nearly identical audience score of 88%. How often do the critics and the audience agree?

It’s very few. When we did Good Will Hunting, the critics and the audience were pretty much spot on.

You’ve got an uphill battle against this one if everybody is in alignment. First, let’s talk about some quotes. We can get the most famous or the only quote anyone needs, “You will shoot your eye out.” My mom did say it to me when I asked her to get a BB gun myself. Here are a few of my favorites that are a little more obscure, “The soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.” I love that line, “Meatloaf, meatloaf. I hate meatloaf.” I say that every time that I order meatloaf, “When I tell you to come, you better come.” Bill, are there any outstanding quotes for you?

It applies to the world we live in because that’s how amazing this movie is. In our world, you were either a bully, a toady or one of the nameless rabble of victims. That’s one. We all remember this when we were kids, and Christmas gifts mattered, “Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. It’s the greatest Christmas gift I would ever receive or ever received,” end of the scene.

Kev, are there any quotes for you?

This line was abused by every parent in the ’80s as we were all growing up, “There are starving people in China.” That’s all I know. Besides, “Shoot your eye out,” there’s nothing memorable quote line.

Kevin and I always say that we love a guest with vitriol. He is bringing a gallon of vitriol to pour all of this.

I have four more oil drums of vitriol for this piece of crap right here.

Before we unleash the hounds, we are going to give five fun facts. Number one, Jack Nicholson wanted to play the role of The Old Man but it was going to cost too much. I would have liked to see a crazy Jack play that part. Number 2, the 2 other actors who read for the role are Wil Wheaton and Sean Astin. One went on to pass on sexual advances by Whoopi Goldberg on Star Trek, and the other one on to make the overrated The Goonies. We always get a The Goonies jab. It’s a requirement of every episode. Number three, you can bid on eBay to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in the house. You also get $800 worth of gifts, including the bunny suit and the leg lamp.

I would rather Airbnb at Dachau than stay at that house.

Did you see how much it was costing?

I did not look it up.

I would love to know what people are paying for that nonsense. In the movie Elf, Ralphie is the Head Elf wearing the red hat. I didn’t even know that. I had no idea.

It’s uncredited.

That’s good for him for making a comeback. Speaking of comebacks, Scott Schwartz went on to do porn movies. I’m going to give one bonus fun the fact that I also found. These movies were based on a series of short stories that were originally printed in Playboy, where all the best literature is found.

Back in the day, it was.

The joke always was I read it for the articles but it was a legitimate rival to most of the magazines out there.

The answer to your question, starting rates at $195 a night vary with the season. It has to be $2,000 for that.

Do you know the filth that people have probably done in that house to say they did it?

How many Christmas stories and crappy home porno movies have they made? “I will shoot your eye out with my d**k.”

This film tries insanely hard to tap into the classic movies like Miracle on 34th Street, or It’s a Wonderful Life with its tone but viciously misses the target, not even the bull’s eye.

“I banged the lamp in that house.”

“I banged my wife wearing a Ralphie bunny costume.”

We are not here to talk about sex acts in crisp Christmas attire and criticize Bill’s horrible wardrobe. We are here to do one thing and one thing only. It is time to let Kevin Gootee, after a much-awaited Gut the Sacred Cow.

I feel like Jim Carrey at the beginning of Ace Ventura. This film is based on one principle. That is, as we know, soul nostalgia. As we know, in this show, that nostalgic argument holds up like wet papier-mâché. Basic number one, this film is classified as a comedy. I challenge you both in your arguments, chapter, and verse. I want to know the exact moments you laughed during this film. Do you know how many times I laughed during this film? Spoiler alert, it’s less than I did rewatching Napoleon Dynamite.

This film did not even have a smirk-worthy scene. At least in Napoleon Dynamite, I smirked once. The dialogue in this film is beyond awful. In the first scene, where they are all having breakfast, no family speaks like that. It’s like they are all speaking with strangers at an art gallery cocktail hour. There is no real connection in that family, except later on with the mom, Ralphie, and the autistic son, who has to make pig sounds for 30 seconds longer than the scene should allow for.

Have you never said to your daughter, “Who’s my little piggy?”

No, she’s my monkey butt, not my piggy. This film tries insanely hard to tap into the classic movies like Miracle on 34th Street or It’s a Wonderful Life with its tone but viciously misses the target, not even the bull’s eye. “You will shoot your eye out,” is easily one of the ten worst clichéd quotes in movie history. It is like a comic bombing who tries to keep padding in a catchphrase that he or she created. It stinks. Not only does it fail to stick the landing on its initial approach but they try and shoehorn it in there more than an ’80s commercial catchphrase.

“Where’s the beef? Mikey likes it. Calgon, take me away,” had more flavor and resonated more often than this oft-repeated elementary stupidity. The next quote, “There are starving people in China,” is a line that was repeated way too many times to any kid of the ’80s household. My response to that line is, “Send all those kids bats from Wuhan. I understand they have a surplus now.”

You win the gutting for bringing up Calgon.

All three of those are from memory. Ralphie is dressed like a cowboy in a gay porno in his little cutesy-poo memory scene. The last time I checked, BB guns don’t make the sound of gunshots. They make the same sound as Bill Schulz’s queefs. This has the varnish of a crappy community college play or intro to TD 101 final project. The ongoing voiceover is beyond tedious.

The Wonder Years had fewer voiceovers in it. The voiceover sounded like a librarian reading a book to five-year-olds. It’s way over the top and grandiose for such rudimentary occurrences, “Ralphie brushed his teeth and then stuck the truth brush handle in his butthole slowly as a smile crept over his face, realizing there was a lot more to life than a BB gun.”

The flare is trash. The seven layers of clothing on his brother is an insanely hack premise. What ideas did they scrap? It’s slipping on a banana peel, not paying attention while riding a bike into a parked car, or peeping through a window while a girl undresses. Did all three not make the cut in the Hack 101 this film is? The teacher holding all the kids’ fake teeth in her hand was a complete 1980s moment. Teachers would use tongs and spray Purell in a mist bottle on any kid who approached her desk within a 5-foot radius.

“Triple dog dare,” became one of the worst slogans in our lexicon. It’s a precursor to calling someone a p***y. Man up. A complete misuse of community funding and manpower calling the fire department and police department when a simple glass of warm water would have done the trick of getting that boy’s tongue off a pole. Karens existed back in the ’50s as well. If Flick is embarrassed to put his tongue on a pole, wait a few years when he gets asked to write on the chalkboard and sporting a massive boner while wearing corduroy pants.

“He has yellow eyes,” is another quote because he has Jaundice. They are poor. What did you expect? You know these kids are Grade A1 p***y queefs when they get bullied by someone who looks like The Sherminator from American Pie and wears a coonskin hat. That hat screams meth head, cousin rapist. I have never seen that skinny of a dog’s tail getting slammed in the door. How fake was that?

It was the dog’s tongue.

It was a 1.5-foot-long tongue then. Was it a St. Bernard? Ralphie’s brother must have grown up to become Louie Anderson. “Fragile,” is another lame joke that often gets thrown into a conversation amongst dunces. I’m surprised that, being in the Midwest didn’t say that was Italian. People act like a leg lamp is the Holy Grail of movie props. This is beyond maddening. A leg is going to cause that much of a reaction. It’s not a tit. It’s not Sammy Davis Jr’s glass eye. It’s in a plaster cast of Milton Berle’s anaconda-esque penis. People who own one of these lamps have more than one bumper sticker on their car and laugh about it.

The husband or the dad is a Grade A f***ing ass****. That dad is a d**k. The wife would have f****d the first mailman the minute her husband would have gone over to war. He was a piece of crap to her. To the kids, he was useless. At the very end, he has a one-half-a-second moment of retribution because he gives him the gun. All is forgiven. That dad was a d**k. Even listening to radio episodes of Little Orphan Annie is more entertaining than this piece of crap film.

If the writers of Napoleon Dynamite wrote a Christmas film, this would be it. The characters in this film have the charm of Fidel Castro. We are about 55 minutes into this film. Are there any laughs yet? Nope. I thought so. The next quote, “Wield and deal like an Arab trader.” Did I miss both men spitting into their hands and then shaking? It’s such another Karen thing to do. Have a mom call another boy’s mom to narc him out because Donna Gootee got a few of those calls.

It resonated with you.

It hit home. My mother got a few of those calls, “Your son said this.” She’s like, “I’m pretty sure.” The fifth audible groan during the blind Ralphie scene brought my wife out to ask, “How much longer will I be yelling at the TV?” I wish Ralphie’s secret decoder message were, “Sell yourself free. Pour bleach into your old man’s Ovaltine.” Ralphie throws punches like Andy Cohen, Ken Jeong or Dame Judi Dench does.

Dame Judi Dench could win a fight. We both know that. She’s a prizefighter.

She’s an osteoporotic 85-year-old woman. I don’t think so. Are you ready for the only fifteen-second quasi-redeemable moment in this film? It’s seeing Santa in the mall with the slide next to him. I give that credit. That’s cool but not as cool as driving big wheels around the Overlook Hotel. The whole dialogue with Santa, his helpers, and Ralphie is blatantly over the top. No one accentuates their speech like that unless they are trying out for Shakespeare in the Park or an improv troupe.

What is wrong with you?

You are mad because I’m snipering out every spot in your taint. It gets you so excited for this garbage cinema. I love how the mom has a fly swatter in her hand on Christmas morning because I guarantee that her d***head husband gave that to her as a present, which reminds me of the old Andrew Dice Clay joke where he goes, “I got my wife for Christmas a broom because last year, I got her the dustpan and she looked at me like, ‘What the hell?’ I had to watch her for an entire year sweep stuff into her hand, so I got her the dustpan.” That’s a great joke. She has a fly swatter on Christmas.

Any adult who uses the word funnies referring to comics has the tact and intelligence of a four-year-old trout. How many dogs have you known to break down doors and steal food off the table? What’s the next hacky premise, “Don’t slam the door. I have a soufflé in the oven.” Screw you. I hate canceling movies for things but where are the SJWs when you need them? I’m calling them out for the Chinese singers deemed racist as propaganda. Is this ripe for canceling due to racism? No. Cancel it because it’s insanely unfunny and viciously overrated and shows how people have pedantic standards.

There are plenty of good Christmas films like Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Carol, and Home Alone. All those have stood the test of time. Don’t give me that, “You are dead inside, Gootee,” argument. I gave you a bunch right there. No one talked about it until the last 15 to 20 years. How? I don’t know. Somehow it found its way from the bottom of the $5 bin at Best Buy. I’m here to make sure this film goes away from the DVD, extinct. It’s 1 out of 10. Screw this movie.

I’m afraid to get too close to my computer screen because there’s fire shooting out of it.

There’s Mortal Kombat’s Scorpion. We took his hat up, and it blew fire.

Do you know that scene in The Predator where they all start shooting into the jungle, don’t stop until the Gatling gun is empty and you watched the jungle fold? That’s what happened. The Gatling gun is spinning and smoking, and he’s still pulling the trigger.

If I didn’t do that on my show, I would be a fraud. I came loaded for bear.

GSC 59 | A Christmas Story
A Christmas Story: This film is based on one principle. That is, as we know, soul nostalgia. As we know, in this show, that nostalgic argument holds up like wet papier-mâché.

 

For all future guests, if you are going to come up, that’s how you gut the sacred cow. I have nothing but respect for Bill Schulz and his ridiculous glasses and hat. He’s dedicated to this. He has the lamp sitting behind him. I don’t even know what the hat is called. It’s got the earflaps.

It’s called the Midwest.

It’s the Wisconsin fisherman hat. That’s what I call that.

Bill, I’m going to see the opportunity to you and allow you to rebut Kevin’s fire-branded argument.

It wasn’t fire-branded. Kevin goes through a lot of things that he’s sick of hearing, “You will shoot your eye out. Fragile.” All these things have been repeated ad nauseam. The reason they have been repeated ad nauseam is that this thing has gotten into the absolute popular culture of the entire nation. That can annoy you but it started with A Christmas Story. It started because this movie or little nugget that came out of nowhere in 1983 started that. You can be annoyed by it all you want but it started there.

Jerry Seinfeld said that his inspiration was Jean Shepherd because Jean Shepherd showed how to make nothing into something. That is this entire movie. When you start with nostalgia and make fun of nostalgia, you don’t know what nostalgia is. I quote Webster’s Dictionary, “Nostalgia is a sentimental line or wistful attention of the past typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.”

Last I checked, Kevin Gootee was not born in 1940 and came of age around 1948. The beauty of A Christmas Story is that it makes you nostalgic for a time that you have no idea about. None of us and neither our fathers nor maybe even grandfathers gathered around a radio, yet we watch A Christmas Story, and we get it. We get how excited they are to listen to Little Orphan Annie and are disappointed that Little Orphan Annie is shelling Ovaltine with her decoder ring.

Furthermore, John Huston, a famous Director, was once asked, “How can you be a great director?” He said, “It’s very simple. Get great actors on planet Earth.” I will explain why. They were all perfect for the roles, specifically Ralphie. How many times have we watched a movie where the kid sucks? How many times have we watched a movie where we were so annoyed by how precocious the kid was and how kid actually the kid was? Ralphie was a kid. Ralphie was us.

What we forget about childhood is that all these small things meant everything back then. Getting a Red Ryder BB gun was all we had. We haven’t discovered girls yet. The idea that a teacher might tell us that our essay was amazing and write A++ over the chalkboard and to the audience was all we would imagine because she thought our essay was great. The idea that our dad might kill us for beating up the bully, which was a great thing Ralphie did, was something in our consciousness because we thought we would get in trouble for everything.

There is no other movie on planet Earth that has ever been made that has ever captured what it is like to truly be a kid than A Christmas Story. Jean Shepherd was wonderful on his radio show when he would write, narrate, and had a small cameo on A Christmas Story, capturing what it is like to be a kid. All of the things that we now look back and think don’t matter, mattered so much to us because our brains weren’t developed. That was looking forward to a Christmas present and worrying we weren’t going to get in trouble by The Old Man. All of these aren’t big deal things.

The Director, Bob Clark, who directed Porky’s, made it perfectly an example of what the kid goes through daily and how emotional they get about nothing. How dare you say that this movie is not funny? I remember thinking that this was the first PG movie I ever saw where there were so many wonderful laughs. That’s the politically incorrect moment where they go to the Chinese restaurant. I dare you not to laugh at that, Kevin.

Bill, how many times did you laugh while rewatching this film whenever you watch it? How many times did you legitimately laugh again?

I laugh every time at all of it. You speak like you know the Midwest. You speak of Ralphie’s little brother getting bubbled up where he can’t hold his arms down. He laid down like a little slug because it was his only defense. First of all, A) That is a staple of the Midwest dressing up that much with that many layers and, B) That is hilarious. Every time his little brother goes down like the Titanic, I laugh my ass off. All he did was lay there because it was his only defense. It was perfect.

I will even add this. It’s the decor of it. It’s how much they captured the ’40s and how beautifully they did due diligence to how it looked. I want to wear every bit of clothing they wear. That was a beautiful time in American clothing. Every person was cast beautifully. It was the reason that you are so sick of all these lines is that they captured America’s heart, and we repeat them all the time. Don’t blame the movie. Blame hacks that repeat the lines. No one has ever captured what it is like to be a kid better ever than in this movie, and it inspired a lot of horrible things.

The Wonder Years is on record. The maker of The Wonder Years is saying that A Christmas Story inspired The Wonder Years. The Wonder Years is absolute diarrhea. It is crap. I’m the same age as Drew Barrymore. I remember watching ET in the theaters and thinking, “She’s trying to be so cute. She’s the same age as me.” We are much more cerebral at this age than Drew Barrymore was doing.

Peter Billingsley captured that age perfectly. He didn’t try to be too cute and precocious. He was a kid. He wasn’t accurate-accurate and worried about these things, and didn’t overreact about other things kid. He was the most perfectly cast child actor in the history of child actors. Kevin Gootee, you are an awful human being. A Christmas Story is a wonderful movie. Your eyes are yellow.

I’ve heard a lot of defending nostalgia and not any reason why this movie is good. There have been other kids’ films that have done a lot better job of representing being a kid than this film has.

Name one.

The Sandlot.

The Sandlot is great but this movie is better.

Little Big League is another one.

It had hit or miss moments. This one is perfect from the beginning to the end. All you gave me were a bunch of lines that you were sick of.

They are not funny. I love quotes. You know that. A weekly article we do is the quotes. These are bread sandwich quotes. There’s nothing to them.

There was a philosophy to all of it. I love the fact that we never know Mr. Parker’s first name. He’s either Mr. Parker or The Old Man, which is what Jean Shepherd would call his dad. He didn’t have a lot. He had to deal with the furnace, his wife, and two weirdo kids but he got that major award for some crossword puzzle he did. He’s so proud of that. His wife hates him so much. He wants to display it. We will never know for sure but she destroyed it. That was his everything, and then he lost that. He couldn’t do anything but ball it up inside.

I saw my dad in that. A lot of Americans saw their entire family in that. It’s wonderful. You have to think the movie is funny to know that it’s a beautiful, wonderfully cast, and perfect movie by a great writer, Jean Shepherd, who made a lot of money through that and could leave the radio after it. It is a wonderful movie. You have not convinced me about anything.

First, give it a score. 1 to 10, what do you give it, Bill?

It’s an absolute dead solid ten.

This is ludicrous. If this is a ten, what are The Shawshank Redemption, Star Wars, and The Matrix?

Star Wars is an eight at best.

Caddyshack?

The biggest problem with the movie is there’s no real plot. That’s not a movie. This is a series of SNL skits jammed together about one character.

Caddyshack is a ten.

Are you telling me this is as good and funny as A Christmas Story?

It’s a ten as is in it’s a perfect movie.

This is a perfect matching.

Your Honor, I strike the cohost to have his record stricken from the record based on his credibility. Bill is the type of guy to go represent himself in court.

Am I that full?

Before you do, Kevin, don’t forget to talk about our cool shirts that you and I have on right here.

Don’t forget to go to our merch store at GuttingTheSacredCow.com, where you can get shirts, hats, and mugs. We don’t have masks yet. We need to get on the mask train. You could get everything for all your merch. You can wear an awesome shirt. Back to the movie, this movie, up until I was about twelve, didn’t even exist in my periphery. Ted Turner looked at one of his assistants and said, “We should play Christmas movies all day on Christmas Day.”

They said, “Sir, we don’t have the right to any Christmas movies to do something like that.” He says, “Go dig up a movie.” This is what they found. This is the movie that Ted Turner bought and sold his soul for to commit to our Christmas Iconicon that we have to watch every year. I’m going to lead with this. This movie is okay. When Kevin told me he was picking it, I was like, “All right.” When I found out that Bill loved this, I was like, “This is perfect.” Kevin hates this. Bill loves it. I don’t give a crap.

There are a lot of issues in this movie. I blame a lot of this on this stupid show that we do that makes me look into the crap that I never looked into before. First of all, there’s the kid getting his tongue stuck to the pole. If this is how it was in the ’40s, I give him credit because they sent him back to school. He gets his tongue stuck, and then he goes back to class. Could you imagine that now? That kid would go home. He would have a therapist. They would have a day for him.

They probably fly the flags at half-mast. There would be a lawsuit. The school would be named after him. This kid went back to school with a cotton swab on his mouth. They were like, “Good luck, kid. You still got three hours left in the day.” He went and got his ass beat up by Farkus. Speaking of Farkus, if you dress your kid in a leather jacket at the age of eleven, you are setting him up to be a hoodlum.

Those parents knew what they were doing. That parent dressed that kid and was like, “He’s going to go rob a liquor store someday.” They were right. The actor who played Farkus, his name was Scut Farkus. He’s one of the ugliest kids. They did a good job with the braces and everything. He probably had the braces. He grew up to be a good-looking guy who has had a number of movies. Don’t put your kids in leather jackets.

Indiana in the ’40s looks exactly as horrible as I would imagine Indiana in the ’40s and 2012. I have no desire to be there. Every movie you’ve ever watched that’s more than twenty years old makes you go, “I’m so glad I live now,” because everything in the past looks like crap. All those people looked like they were still dirty. They were all wearing a lot of wool. I feel like they were always itchy and smelly. It was supposed to make you go, “It was a simpler time.” I thought it was a dirty and smelly time.

Your nipples were chafing, looking at the wool.

There was too much wool. The guys were always in slacks, “I got to go get some more slacks to wear around the house.”

They are very dressed up for hanging out at their homes. They are way too overdressed.

Normal casual didn’t come in until the ’60s and ’70s. We were finally like, “We don’t always have to wear three-piece suits to go fix the furnace.”

Go to a baseball game. People are in three-piece suits in the bleachers in Ebbets Field.

Bill said something that I found extremely interesting. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think they ever said what he won that lamp for.

I’m assuming because he was like, “That is the thing. I’m lying. This is what a dork I am.” The assumption online is it was through crosswords, which is a very dad thing.

I thought that much like his name, it was supposed to be one of those generals. He won something for something. Ralphie is sitting and fantasizing about his teacher with the A++. Kids sure fantasize differently about their teachers than they do now. They are like, “That teacher is probably going to go down on me.” Now they do, which is an improvement in the education system.

They are also way hotter teachers than they were we had them. That’s for sure.

I hate the little brother more than I hate Farkus. I would have beat up the little brother. I get Farkus comes from an alcoholic father who beats him and puts him in a leather jacket. That kid was dumb and annoying. He should have gotten the crap beat out of him.

Let me ask you this. Do you both have younger siblings?

Yes.

No.

Kevin, you have a sister.

I have a younger brother and sister. I’m the oldest.

The thing that resonates with me with the younger brother in A Christmas Story very briefly is when Ralphie gets into a fight with Scut Farkus, and the little brother hides underneath the kitchen cabinets because he’s worried dad is going to kill Ralphie. That reminded me of my little brother. My little brother hated me but if I was going to get in big trouble, he had my back and was worried about me. I love that. It also was accurate. That is the bratty and annoying little brother who still has your back.

GSC 59 | A Christmas Story
A Christmas Story: If the writers of Napoleon Dynamite wrote a Christmas film, this would be it.

 

The best thing that little kid said was, “Daddy is going to kill Ralphie.” That was the best moment that kid had in the entire movie.

That is every little brother.

Now, if you made a kid deep throat a brick of soap, they would call DYFS on you. This little piece of crap goes on to blame the Jewish kid for saying f***. He has one Jew friend and he’s like, “The Jews did it. Call him up. His mom will kick the crap out of him.” He’s right because my mom got that same call and beat the crap out of me. Ralphie should be punched in the d**k.

This is the most unloyal group of friends that have ever been assembled. They make the kid stick his tongue to the pole, rat out on him for saying f***, and abandoned him as soon as Farkus shows up. They are the worst friends in the world. I hope Ralphie went out and found out what friendship means because this movie didn’t do a thing.

They are the Avengers of p**** dumb and not in a good way.

Sitting around and listening to the radio seems as horrible as sitting around and listening to the radio. I would rather drink 7 gallons of Ovaltine than have to sit and listen to a radio for entertainment. They looked at it because there was nothing else to look at. I never got an Orphan Annie decoder ring but I did once get a 1-900 number that was supposed to get me a free GI Joe action figure. Instead, it got me a long list of pornographic phone numbers, which was a hell of a lot better than a free Refrigerator Perry doll.

Should I get a roadblock or a boner? Knowing is half the battle.

There’s Santa’s display slide. What store and mall ever had that elaborate of a Santa Claus display? There’s none because they built that specifically for the store. The store was like, “We are going to keep this thing.” They kept it up for about 4 or 5 years. This movie led to thousands of obnoxious bros decorating their man caves with those lamps. There was an entire cottage industry built around horny fishnetted lamp legs, which is the crappiest product ever made. Bill Schulz has one sitting behind him. Is that the actual size?

Every guy who owns that lamp bought it from a garage sale where the wife goes, “Throw that thing out or this is the end of this marriage and the couch out.”

Watching Ralphie run his hand up that leg was something I would have done as a kid. The leg even has a little undercut for the ass. I respected that level of workmanship. They put the time into the shape of that leg. As a little eleven-year-old horny kid, I would have felt it up.

They censored that. I don’t know the ass part. I don’t have that.

Leaving a kid in line by himself to wait for Santa on that long line would get DYFS called on you.

In the ’80s, that was the norm because I did the same crap with my younger brother and sister.

Could you imagine leaving a kid and being like, “Good luck,” especially that young?

I came this close to leaving my daughter with the windows cracked in the car. I was going to run into 7-Eleven and get something. I could only imagine four people with their cell phones outside videoing the car as I walked out with gum or whatever it was. I go, “I unstrapped my daughter from the car seat. Bring her in.” It’s a pain in the ass.

You are missing the one thing that ties us in with the ’40s. We are the last generation that had realistic toy guns. We could have robbed a bank with our toy guns. Ralphie had that.

Right towards the end of Kevin’s and my childhood was when they made them put the orange or red cap thing at the end, so you knew it wasn’t real. Speaking of cell phones, watching somebody stand in that long of a line without a cell phone gives me anxiety. I would have no idea what to do with myself. I had to stand in line and wait. That little kid with the glasses who was clearly supposed to be retarded would have gotten punched in the face. If you gave a kid a gun for Christmas, they would call DYFS on you. She gave him a giant blue ball for Christmas, and that was not lost on me.

If my neighbor’s dogs broke into my house and ate my Christmas dinner, I would go over to that house with a bat. I love dogs. I would break each of those dogs’ legs, take their Christmas dinner, and eat it in front of them. The fact that they were like, “We are going to dinner,” is complete horse crap. I would have called my lawyer and the police. That would have been after I took up a bat to the entire family because that’s horse crap. That scene always drove me crazy. How did they not put a lock on the door that could have kept the dogs out if they knew that was a recurring problem? That’s crazy.

I love that you are applying logic to a movie.

I hate to make this point but Kevin and I make it every now and then. I like to put movies in the category of reality. You have your movies that are complete fantasy fiction out of Marvel’s Avengers, and then you have the movies that exist in pure absolute reality. This movie is about 2 inches away from pure absolute reality. Outside of being a kid’s memories and a version of what he remembers, this movie exists in reality. I’m going to hold it to the fire that those dogs are crap.

Jean Shepherd had neighbors called the Bumpuses. They had guns. If you take a bat to that family, they are going to shoot you in the face. That’s why he went to the Chinese store rather than picking a fight with them. They were the hicks in Indiana.

This kid wouldn’t have been living in Indiana anyway. It doesn’t matter. I was prepared to give this movie a 5.5 but Kevin Gootee brought it down. Bill, I love you but he did it. This movie is a five. This movie is meh for me. Once in a while, when it’s on, I will stop on a scene. Here’s my biggest problem with the movie. I could have ignored all of my notes. My biggest problem with the movie is there’s no real plot in this movie.

That’s what’s great about it.

It’s not. That’s not a movie. This is a series of SNL skits jammed together about one character. It’s like if you took all of the past skits and put them together and was like, “That’s a great movie.”

It failed miserably.

This is a bunch of cute and nostalgic scenes jammed together without any real coherent plot other than this kid wanting to get a gun. That’s what this was.

That’s why it’s beautiful.

Kevin, does this pass the remote test?

It does not. This Jew loves Christmas movies. Kevin said it. A Christmas Carol is not only my favorite movie. It’s my favorite story of all time. I love A Christmas Carol, every iteration of it, and Scrooge. It’s a perfect story. It’s so well told. It’s such a great evolution of a character. It has a coherent plot, whereas this movie has a bunch of things that happened to this kid on this one Christmas, which is okay. Is it compelling? Not really. The only reason this movie exists in our lexicon is that Ted Turner needed to air something all day on Christmas Day. That’s why this movie exists.

By that rationale, you hate The Shawshank Redemption.

There are a number of small, unexpectedly funny moments in A Christmas Story, but you have to possess the stamina of a Pearl diver to find them perfect.

The Shawshank Redemption is a great movie.

It’s the same difference. The Shawshank Redemption failed at the box office. They’ve got the rights to it easily. They played them on TBS all the time.

It was a huge seller on VHS.

I sit exactly halfway between the two of you, and I will stick to that. I was going to give it one half-point more towards evisceration. Let’s see what some other people had to say about this fine movie.

The difference between this and The Shawshank Redemption would be the fact that The Shawshank Redemption had 21 wins and 43 nominations.

The Godfather III was nominated for Best Picture.

I’m surprised that in the critics’ five-star reviews, no one used the word zeitgeist.

It would have been an appropriate time for the zeitgeist. This one I got to breathe deep for. This is a long one, “It’s a very creepy holiday movie as a kid growing up, even owning the leg lamp from this movie. I hate this movie. It ruins the holidays for me. The father in the movie was great and probably can relate to anyone’s dad. What I find creepy in this movie is the narrator’s voice and hearing the voice every Christmas over and over, dramatically explaining his most memorable Christmas. It’s terrible as well as the creepy Santa Claus, its elf, and the little midget bully that, until now, I realized was a kid. This has a huge cult following. That makes me wonder in the voice of Kenan Thompson. Why?”

Is that a Good Burger joke that I missed out on?

There was the SNL skit where he just said, “Why?” The Amazon five-star reviews, “This is as symbolic of Christmas as National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. While it’s old and holds up, the kid Ralphie wines a lot. You can weaponize that kid’s sonic frequency. The family scenes in this film were written by a man who wasn’t passionate about capturing the magic of the holiday season from a child’s perspective was passionate about storytelling.”

“The writer was the narrator of the film. Looking at his career, it shows. If you’ve never watched this, you will laugh and cry. In the end, you will be happy. Isn’t that what Christmas is all about?” I respect the amount of work that guy put into that as opposed to this guy, “The sets and the costumes are all perfect. The storyline is simply adorable and enjoyable for children and adults alike but you don’t have to be a Christian to appreciate it and Jewish as well.”

Go watch Eight Crazy Nights or whatever the Adam Sandler film was.

“Also, the psychotic break from the bullying happened to a buddy of mine in school. He was a small guy and ended up beating the bully and his butt-kickers so badly that they each needed several stitches. Since this happened in South Alabama in the early ’60s, all the adults seem to figure the bullying company got what they deserved. They were good times. As a side note, our local bully never came back to school. I never saw him or his parents around town. I never did find out what happened to them. Good riddance to stinky trash. Years later, they found his house with several hundred naked headless dolls.”

Did they catch that last hobo train through town and jumped on it with the same bum from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure singing, “Jimmy, crack corn and I don’t care?”

“I had always stayed away from it because it seemed that every time the main star opened his mouth, he was whining about that BB gun. It was not until I got married and my husband forced me to watch it one year that I realized it was not all that bad. I still can’t stand whiny kids. The fact that I can watch it without tearing my hair out is saying something.”

The unfavored Amazon one-star reviews, “I was a teenager in 1983 when this movie came out. No one was talking about this movie. It was an invisible little movie that meant very little to anyone. Fast-forward ten years and see advertisements insisting it was the Christmas classic you loved as a child. It wasn’t, and it isn’t, yet the marketers and TV stations obstinately still go on insisting that it is. This movie is proof of one thing and one thing, only if you repeat a lie long enough and go loudly, enough people will eventually believe it. Go read all of my QAnon theories about Hollywood pedophile rings.”

Up until that point, I was ready to buy that guy or girl a beer. The QAnon crap lost me.

“I thought this movie was terrible. I don’t mean it’s not as good as everyone says. I mean that if you tied me up and made me watch this movie again, inside of an hour, I would give you anything you wanted to let me go.”

With another half hour, they could have gotten away without giving away anything.

“Is this what everyone thinks of when they think of classic? This was one of the worst movies I have ever wasted my time watching. My kids didn’t even like it.” My kids don’t like me. What do they know?

Their kids must be in advanced classes then because they like the cut of his jib.

“This movie is awful. The storyline is disjointed and beyond creepy at certain points. I’m not sure what in the hell was going through the creator’s mind at the time but it has to involve some type of psychosis. Avoid if all possible. I don’t know what’s creepy about a ten-year-old caressing a plastic fishnet covered ass. Everything seems fine here.”

That’s not true. Every dude has ogled a mannequin many times in their lives.

I agree with Kev.

My dad once told me a story where they were like, “Whose kid is this?” He found me taking the shirt off a mannequin. The good ones have nipples.

The great ones that have nipples and beaver slits too. I could see their vag. Bill, you don’t visit enough adult bookstores, it sounds like.

I don’t.

You need to take the pants off more mannequins. You need to walk out of your apartment, go to a store, and start panting that.

It’s added to the bucket list.

“I laughed twice but cringed the entire time I watched this boring movie. I’m sorry. This one was lost on me.”

GSC 59 | A Christmas Story
A Christmas Story: Any adult who uses the word funnies referring to comics has the tact and intelligence of a four-year-old trout.

 

Back to the mannequins, how many times would someone take a mannequin to a store associate and go, “How much to take it into the dressing room for half an hour?” It’s like Kill Bill, “Remember, no punching.”

Every time I hear mannequins, I always remember the footage of Neverland right after Michael Jackson died. The things that they would unload from his mansion were boy mannequin after boy mannequin that Michael Jackson collected. His entire home was filled with boy mannequins in various states of undress. That’s all I associate with mannequins. I could tell Gootee was getting a hard-on.

I disliked the foul language for a movie with a PG rating. They were cleaned up, and Amazon made no reference to this movie. It’s not edited for TV when purchased.”

There is no cursing in this film. That was a lie.

They are very inconsistent. The father mumbles his way through most of the movie, going, “Wretched,” but then, at some times, they do say it because Ralphie said, “Son of a b****.” They bleeped out f*** to say fudge for whatever reason.

They never said f***.

They have him say fudge instead of f***.

Only it wasn’t fudge.

The father, at some point, says, “Son of a b****.”

They say ass a lot.

That’s on network TV. It’s not cursing.

At the time, it was.

They chose to creatively edit certain words when they did allow it.

I want to know this woman’s gripe because if they said b**** or ass, that’s not cursing. If they said s*** or f***, I will acquiesce but they didn’t. At least, I don’t remember that. I don’t know if you do.

This lady was counting her rosary while she was watching this. Damn is a curse word to her. Here’s the final Amazon one-star review, “Personal preference, I can’t stand this movie. There’s a horrible language for a kids’ show. There are inappropriate scenes with the whole leg lamp. I don’t know how this became a Christmas classic.” This leaves us at an odd impasse because normally, at this time, Kevin would ask me if the guest gutted the sacred cow. I would have to ask Bill.

I’m asking you. Has the guest gutted the sacred cow?

Kev gutted it. There might be some readers who say there’s favoritism because Kevin and I are partners in this but I didn’t think he was going to pull it off because I watch it. It didn’t offend me one way or another. It was fine. There were parts where I smiled. It was okay but he tore that thing apart. Bill, where can we find your beautiful face?

Thank you. We are on CompoundMedia.com from Monday through Thursday from 10:00 to 11:00. It’s $8 a month to subscribe. You can’t afford not to. There’s a lot of great content there, mostly ours. With regards to the show’s live episode, as much as you might have been disgusted by me and my arguments, know this. Joanne Nosuchinsky is hot. Come for that.

Kev, where can we find you?

You can find me right next to you at the Gutting the Sacred Cow Live Show. The aforementioned Bill Schulz, Kevin Israel, and I will be there on January 23rd, 2021. Get your tickets. $25 gets you in the door. If COVID cancels it, don’t worry. You get your money back. It’s a win-win. Check out our website every single day for more articles. It’s GuttingTheSacredCow.com. If you have not yet done so, please, for the love of Christ, find 2 seconds to give us a 5-star rating and a 2-sentence review on iTunes.

That would make us and help us a lot more, and because of you, let’s thank you again. You people got us to number 32 on the iTunes Top 100 film reviews. Let’s read one of our new reviews from Newark Knight, “It’s an absolute pleasure. I’ve heard both hosts pop up on numerous podcasts and radio shows over the years, and now I finally got to listen to this podcast. I started from the beginning, and it was well worth it. These guys have improved over time and gotten so much better. I can’t wait for more.”

Here’s one other review I thought was great, “The show cured me of the Coronavirus and saved me from a potentially disastrous Tinder date. I do, however, have bruised ribs from all the laughter caused by Kevin squared because there are two of them.” That’s the kind of hilarity that gets you posted on our social media and all that good stuff with your cutesy-poo fun reviews. I can’t wait for that live show. That is going to be fun.

I can’t wait either. I hope it happens. Screw you, pandemic.

We are going to plod on through that. It has been a blast.

Thanks for reading. This was an awesome episode. Bill, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

Thanks for having me.

Everybody, happy holidays. We appreciate all your support for Gutting the Sacred Cow. Please tell a friend. The only thing we want for Christmas is for you and 5 or 10 of your closest friends to subscribe and write reviews. Once more, I love the opportunity to helm this puppy. I will happily give it back to Kevin Gootee next time because I can’t handle this much responsibility. It gives me anxiety but for Kevin Gootee, Kevin Israel, and Bill Schulz, we will catch you next time. Peace.

 

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